


The Head to Your Heart

by slyferris (Ethsei)



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Fluff, Homelessness, M/M, both of them are idiots with feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-11 23:13:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3336341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethsei/pseuds/slyferris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Homeless at twelve, Changmin has seen more of the world than he likes. If there's one thing he learned, its to to expect the unexpected, but that certainly doesn't stop him from freaking out when he's thrust into stardom--completely by accident.</p><p>All because of one named Jung Yunho.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

Changmin first meets Yunho in an alleyway. The boy clearly isn’t from around here judging by the easy confidence he approaches the group of muggers with.

That, or he’s just an idiot.

Changmin is willing to bet on both.

The teenager says something that appears sassy and then gets beaten to a pulp and his belongings are taken from him.

Changmin sighs and damns his soft heart.

 

 

Yunho is lying with his back to the ground, staring at the sky and feeling terribly ashamed. He had thought that maybe he could intimidate the robbers by telling them he was from Gwangju. Apparently, they didn’t care at all, and punched him for talking back.

 

Now he’s broke, alone, and in an unfamiliar city. This was not at all how he expected his day to go.

 

“Are you stupid?” he hears a child’s voice pipe up from behind.

 

Yunho’s sore and his pride is damaged. He’s not in the mood to deal with some bratty kid who’s trying to rile him up. He lifts himself into a sitting position and scowls at the owner of the voice.

 

The boy is skinny and on the short side, looking like he hasn’t had enough to eat, but his face is round and soft. He’s carrying a greyed out duffle bag over his shoulder that’s for too big for his size. His eyes are what make him bite back a harsh retort along the lines of ‘get lost’, because even if they boy’s rude, he _does_ appear genuinely concerned.

 

“No,” Yunho huffs. “I’m not.”

 

The skinny prick has the audacity to roll his eyes and say in the most sarcastic voice he can muster, “ _sure,_ you’re not. Anyway, where are you from? I don’t recognise the dialect.”

 

“I’m from Gwangju.”

 

“Oh. That explains it,” he snorts.

 

Yunho puffs up. “Explains what?”

 

He just smirks and shakes his head. “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

 

Yunho doesn’t think he’s ever quite wanted to hit someone so badly. But he will nothit a child, he _will not._

 

Even if he does deserve it…

 

“How old are you, anyway?” Yunho asks. “Where are your parents?”

 

Changmin scoffs and looks away, face stormy. “Twelve, and that’s none of your business.”

 

“Yeah well _I’m_ fourteen and—“

 

“And you just got your ass kicked.”

 

Yunho burns bright red. “It was two against one.”

 

“And you went with them. Willingly. I was watching.”

 

“They don’t rob you like that in Gwangju! How was I supposed to know they wanted to mug me!?”

 

“God, you need to learn some street smarts. If two older guys you’ve never met before call you into an alleyway, why in the world would you think it was a good idea to actually go and see what they wanted?”

 

Yunho’s about to launch into an argument about cultural differences and that he was probably smarter anyway when Changmin puts up his hand to silence him. Yunho wants to earth to open and swallow this kid down into the depths.

 

“Anyway, I didn’t come here to insult you. I kind of wanted to see if you needed help, or something.” The boy looks embarrassed, and he rubs his nose.

 

“Help?”

 

“Well you _did_ just get mugged. And you’re not around from here so I just thought… maybe you might need somewhere to stay for the night since it’s getting dark and…” he trails off, cheeks flooding pink.

 

Yunho deflates. “I kind of do. I guess.”

 

He beckons Yunho over and they start walking. Yunho’s got a limp, and the boy deliberates for a moment before slinging his arm around his waist and hoisting him up. He’s surprisingly strong for such a skinny boy.

 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to—“

 

“Shut up. It’s faster this way.” He licks his lips then glances at the older. “I’m Changmin, by the way.”

 

“My name’s Yunho.”

 

 

 

They walk in silence until they reach a train station and Changmin announces they’re here. “Uh,” Yunho says. “Weren’t you going to take me to your house or something?” Yunho doesn’t have money for the train, and Changmin knows this, unless he intends to pay for him.

 

“Yes, and we’re here.”

 

It takes Yunho a moment to process this. “You live… at… a train station?”

 

Changmin gives him a careful, measured look. “Well, I sleep here. Don’t worry though, it’s pretty safe around the station. I’m friends with the others here ‘cause I run errands for them and stuff.”

 

“But,” Yunho says, struggling to find the right words. “You’re _twelve.”_

 

Changmin snorts and starts walking again, arm still around Yunho’s waist. “I am. It’s not like there’s an age limit for homelessness, you know.”

 

“But - but where are your parents?” Yunho’s trying to wrap his head around this.

 

Changmin stiffens beside him. “I’m not talking about my parents. Just shut up or I’ll dump you on the street and you can limp home instead.”

 

“Okay, fine, no talk about parents,” Yunho acquiesces.

 

Even if he doesn’t like the kid all that much, he does feel sort of bad. This is Yunho’s first brush with ‘homelessness’, and even though he’s holding it together on the outside, as soon as he got robbed he had been terrified out of his mind. Just thinking he had nowhere to return to for the night made his body ache with fear.

 

But this kid who was two years younger didn’t seem like he had a home to return to, _ever._

 

The thought terrified him.

 

 

The stations cold and dark, and gusts of wind flow through the tunnel. Changmin leads Yunho into a small alcove where it’s marginally warmer and the wind doesn’t blow through. The concrete is hard and cold, something Yunho can feel even though his shoes.

 

Changmin sets his duffle bag down and zips it open, pulling out a blanket and shifting things around until he’s satisfied, then zips it back up and lies his head on it. The blankets more yellow than white now, and it barely covers Changmin.

 

Yunho stares enviously and shudders. It’s Spring, and the days are warm enough but the nights still send people into shivers.

 

“Aren’t you going to share your blanket?” Yunho asks, a little grumpy.

 

Changmin rolls over, deliberately turning away from the older boy. He thinks he’s been generous enough so far to this complete stranger who has done nothing but grumble since they’ve met. Besides, this guy has a home and a warm bed to go to, while he does not, so Changmin’s sure he can survive one night in the cold. Maybe it’ll teach him a lesson or two and he’ll stop being so grumpy and appreciate what he has some more. Changmin thinks the older boy looks like a spoilt city kid who’s trying to defy his parents by running away to Seoul for the weekend.

 

That plan certainly backfired on him, Changmin thinks, smirking a little to himself.

 

“Fine,” Yunho snarks, rolling to face away from Changmin as well. “Didn’t care anyway.”

 

Changmin listens to Yunho sniffle himself to sleep.

 

 

Changmin wakes up, and is surprised to see Yunho awake and still here.

 

“…You didn’t leave?” Changmin whispers through his blocked throat.

 

Yunho looks at him oddly. “No. Why would I have?”

 

Changmin doesn’t answer.

 

“I don’t know my way around here, anyway. And I sort-of-kind-of-maybe-need-your-help,” he blurts, rubbing his neck and letting out a small cough.

 

Changmin sits up and wipes at his sleepy eyes.

 

“Help?”

 

Yunho nods once emphatically and rubs his nose. “I need money to get home, right.”

 

Chang just stares with narrowed eyes. He’s not awake enough for this. “I’m homeless, I don’t have anything to give you, dumbass.”

 

Yunho rolls his eyes. “ _Duh._ I mean, I know of a way for us to get money.”

 

Changmin’s brow perks up in interest. “Uh… huh. You do, do you?” Even though he kind of wants to kick Yunho’s ass, and he thinks he’s been more than generous enough already, the mention of money has him thinking twice.

 

“In Gwangju right, at the karaoke bars if you pull the seats forward there’s always tons of cash being left behind that’s slipped though and stuff. But this is _Seoul._ You know what that means?”

 

Changmin shakes his head.

 

“People are _rich_ in Seoul.”

 

Changmin kind of feels like pointing to himself, but refrains. “I’ll help you.”

 

“You will?!” Yunho leans forward on his knees, eager eyes glinting.

 

He holds up his hand. “ _But,_ I want half.”

 

Changmin thinks it’s a perfectly reasonable request, and if Yunho rejects his offer, then he can fend for him damned self.

 

Yunho sticks out his hand. “Deal.”

 

Yunho’s hand is kind of dirty and brown, and Changmin eyes it with disgust. “Wash it first, but yeah, we’ve got a deal.”

 

 

Yunho’s washing his hands and watching Changmin scrub at his teeth, sans toothpaste, from the corner of his eye. He’s not sure if Changmin will get offended, but he says anyway, “you’re really prissy for a homeless boy.”

 

Changmin crunches the bristles of the brush between his teeth and stalks over to Yunho, swatting him on the back of the head. “Just because I’m homeless it doesn’t mean I don’t understand the concept of hygiene, you ass. What, you think I should just let my teeth rot ‘cause I don’t have a house? Stupid.”

 

Well, apparently he _is_ offended, and Yunho doesn’t even snark him back because he does feel a little bit bad about his comment.

 

Changmin glances at him again and then spits the toothpaste out. “Why are you here, anyway?”

 

“In Seoul?”

 

Changmin looks to the ceiling and lets out a long suffering sigh. “No, the bathroom. Of course I meant why are you in Seoul. Seriously, are you sure you’re older than me?”

 

Yunho splutters. “I was just clarifying—you don’t have to be so rude!”

 

Changmin raises his brow. “Neither do you.”

 

Okay, Yunho thinks he may have a point there. “ _Anyway,_ I’m here for an audition. Well, I’ve already taken it.” He puffs out his chest. “If they accept, I’m going to be a trainee at S.M. Entertainment!”

 

Changmin zips his toothbrush back into the bag that always seems to be hanging from his shoulder. “S.M—what?” He’s walking through the door now and looking over his shoulder, eyebrows scrunched like he’s trying to drag up some memory of the name.

 

Yunho follows and waves his arms in the air even though Changmin’s not watching anymore. “You _know,_ S.M.? The biggest entertainment country in South Korea? H.O.T? Shinhwa? Ring any bells?”

 

Changmin makes a vague sort of noise in the back of his throat and makes some non-committal hand gestures. “I… guess? I kind of know H.O.T? So what, you’re trainer to be a singer or something?”

 

Yunho puts his nose higher in the air. “I’m training to be an idol.”

 

Changmin snorts. “God, no wonder you’re—think you’re gonna charm the masses with your Gwangju accent huh? And pretty face?” He really laughs out loud this time. “No, no wait, show me your best wink. You know the whole—“ he squints both his eyes shut, failing horribly at his imitation, “fan service thing, or whatever it’s called. Oh man, that’s too funny.”

 

Yunho grumbles, defensive. “Why is it funny?”

 

“It’s just—“ Changmin giggles again and shakes his head, “You said _I_ was the prissy one. But you’re the one who’s gonna have to dress up in costumes and wear makeup.”

 

“That’s not—it’s _manly.”_

Changmin laughs to the sky.

 

 

Yunho sends a silent prayer to the heavens that he’ll be forgiven for his misdeeds. But he’s desperate, and willing to bend the rules for this rare occasion. He amends in his head that he will pay the owner back some time in the future when he’s a rich idol with nice teeth and a Ferrari. Changmin and he pull the karaoke chairs forward and find a gold mine. Seriously. There are stacks and stacks of five hundred and one hundred Won coins littering the floor. Yunho swears he sees Changmin drool.

 

Changmin drops to his knees and shuffles closer, scooping the coins into a pile. “How big are your pockets?”

 

Yunho shoves his hand in and gives them a feel. “Big enough, probably.

 

That’s good enough for Changmin. He takes the liberty to slip the coins into Yunho’s pockets, and when they’re full and clinging and clanging around, he stands back and puts his hands on his hips.

 

“Now, we run.”

 

Yunho feels bad—no, he feels _terrible._ He’s wasting this owners money just so they can steal the coins under his couch and do a runner. He tells Changmin to wait a minute and he finds a pen laying on the middle of the table and rips off a small bit of paper from the karaoke book on one of the blank pages, and he also feels bad about that. He scribbles a small note of sorry and shows it to Changmin who rolls his eyes and just gestures for Yunho to follow to the entrance.

 

Changmin peers around the corner and squints his eyes. The phone rings and the attendant goes to pick it up, and Changmin makes a signal with his hand. They both duck and scurry, and Yunho plants the note on the front counter, and they run for their lives. The owner shouts something fierce behind them, but they don’t stop, pumping their legs as fast as they will go down the street. Changmin looks over at his shoulder at the attendant shaking his fist and yelling and laughs out loud. Changmin keeps looking over his shoulder to make sure Yunho’s following, and they duck into an alley before stopping to breathe.

 

“You’re—fast,” Yunho pants, grabbing his knees and heaving air into his lungs like he’s just about to collapse.

 

Changmin wipes his brow and leans his back against a wall. “Perks of being homeless. You learn to run.”

 

Yunho’s kind of annoyed that Changmin doesn’t seem as tired as him, and it sparks some stupid competitive streak in him and he vows the next time he and Changmin run, he will be ahead.

 

Changmin takes a few long breaths before stepping towards Yunho, forcing the older boy to sit. He digs his hand in Yunho’s pocket, and Yunho grumbles that he can do it his damn self, still a bit bitter from the loss. He pulls the coins out and they start to rifle through them, piling the coins with their matches. Yunho starts counting and pointing at the stacks and Changmin knocks his hand away, frustrated.

 

“Just let me do it, I’m good at maths,” he snipes, inching a bit closer and counting the coins doubly as fast as Yunho.

 

Yunho grumbles under his breath but sits back and lets Changmin do his thing. As much as he hates to be bested, he hates maths more.

 

Changmin finishes counting and looks back up to Yunho. “How much is it gonna cost you to get home?”

 

“About twenty-thousand?”

 

Changmin whistles. “Well we’ve only got about fifteen-thousand in total here, and since we’re splitting it half way… looks like you’re not going home just yet.”

 

Yunho groans and Changmin gives him an approximation of a sympathetic smile that doesn’t quite reach its intended target.

 

“Oh well, there are plenty of karaoke bars in the sea.”

 

Changmin wrinkles his nose at Yunho’s analogy. “You know they usually use that for girls, right?”

 

“You do know that I don’t care, right?”

 

Changmin puts up his hands in surrender. “All right, fine, whatever. I’m hungry though, can we get something to eat?”

 

Yunho wants to say something about having to save and not wasting money, but his stomach gives a big growl at the mention of food and he realises he hasn’t eaten since his audition. “I guess. What do you want? It better be cheap.”

 

“Like we’ve got a ton of money to spend, anyway. Just something like cup ramen—it doesn’t really matter as long as it’s cheap and filling.”

Yunho nods at this, satisfied by Changmin’s forward thinking.

 

The make their way over to a supermarket and Changmin demands his half of the coins, which Yunho hands over. He pushes his own coins further into his left pocket. By the time Yunho’s picked out some beef noodles that cost nothing more than 1500 Won, Changmin’s lolled back to his side with a tube of toothpaste and two packs of the cheapest ramen in the store that’s under a thousand Won but tastes like cardboard.

 

Yunho wrinkles his nose at Changmin’s choice but decides to keep quiet this time. He’s trying to drill it into his head that not everyone has money for the nice things, though it’s a difficult concept to wrap his head around since he’s always had enough to live with and more.

 

They pay for their items separately and use the store’s boiler to fill their cups before sitting outside. It’s a bit nippy, but it’s bearable, and the cup of hot soup in their hands warms them adequately. Changmin eats one cup of his noodles, and he slurps it down so fast Yunho is afraid he’s going to choke. Yunho’s hardly half way through his first when Changmin gulps down the second, eating like a man starved. Yunho bites his lip, because Yunho realises that Changmin probably _is_ starved. He stares into the brown sludge of his noodles and hesitates for a moment before handing it over to the boy. There’s only a third of it left, but Changmin’s eyes shine when he holds it out.

 

“I don’t want it,” Yunho says, the saliva pooling in his mouth telling a very different story. “I’m full.”

 

Changmin snatches it up without an ‘are you sure’ or ‘thank you’ and eats, this time, slightly slower, seeming to actually enjoy the flavour. Yunho is a little miffed at his lack of manners, but he’s glad that the kid looks happy. Because, the reality is, Yunho’s going to go home after this. He’s going to sit in his bed at night and turn on the heaters if it gets cold, and go down for a slow cooked meal at dinner time. Sure, his family struggled for money and Yunho used to dance to put some extra money in the bank account, but it was never to the point where they went hungry.

They missed out on extras, and school trips were hard to pay for, but at the end of the day they all had a home to come back to. They struggled, but as Yunho looks as Changmin, he realises that what they went through was nothing at all in comparison. No, it wasn’t easy being so stressed for money, but Yunho at the time had been bitter about the situation. He’d whined and complained that they didn’t have money to send him on trips like all his other friends. Now he’s just grateful he had food to eat.

 

Changmin… Changmin is going to shiver in the cold, all alone, and starve.

 

Yunho wonders where his parents are, and why he won’t speak about them, but he guesses that maybe they died. But if that was the case, how come a relative didn’t take him in? How come he didn’t get put in an orphanage? Or did he, and did he run away? Yunho has so many questions he knows that Changmin won’t answer, and that he’ll probably never get to know the answer to.

 

Yunho guesses that he can give it one more try, and he asks Changmin what happened to his parents, but he doesn’t answer, just gives a mighty frown and stares into to floating noodles.

“By the way,” Changmin says through a mouthful of noodles. “Aren’t your parents going to be worried that you’ve spent so much time down here?”

 

Yunho shrugs. “I told them I came here to visit a friend and that I’d be back soon. I never told them a date, so, its fine.”

Changmin cocks his head. “Why didn’t you tell them?”

 

“They don’t want me being an idol. They want me to go into Law or something respectable because they don’t think I can succeed. I just… I came here without telling them because it’d just be another argument.”

 

Changmin sips at the noodle juice. “It sounds like they’re just concerned about you.”

 

Yunho shuffles in his seat and lets out a great heave of air. “I wish they wouldn’t be.”

 

“You’re ungrateful,” Changmin says, and there’s no particular heat or venom behind the words, it’s simply a statement. “You should be happy they care.”

Yunho shrugs. “I’m not _ungrateful_. I’m happy they love me, I just wish they would trust me to know what I’m doing.”

“I see.” Changmin gives him a blank look then hops off the bench, wandering towards the trash can. “Wanna hit the next karaoke bar?”

****


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentions of mental illness/suicide

He needs to bring it up.

 

Yunho _knows_ he does.

 

Two days ago he’d gotten a phone call telling him that he’d gotten in as a trainee for S.M. Entertainment. They would watch his progress and further on decide if they were going to let him sign a contract. He’d been so ecstatic that he’d spent the next two days smiling so hard it felt like his cheeks were going to split in two. He prayed for the boy, Changmin, who helped him get home. They raised karaoke bar and bar until they’d both had a reasonable amount of coin in their pockets. The goodbye was awkward and Changmin had been grumpy the whole time, but Yunho was still thankful.

 

He’d told Jihye, his little sister, in confidence. She had congratulated him at first, but then given him a serious look and said, “you know dad’s not going to say yes, right?”

 

Yunho… well, he knew it was going to be a challenge. From the moment he decided he wanted to audition, he knew the biggest obstacle for this all was to get his father’s blessings. His mother wouldn’t exactly be _happy_ with it, but she wouldn’t stop him, either. She just wouldn’t support him and secretly wish he would give it up.

 

He’s sitting at the dinner table with his family when he takes a large breath and puts down his spoon. “Father, Mum, I’ve got something to tell you.”

 

Jihye gives him a deliberate look, wide eyed, and kicks him under the table. “Oppa,” she hisses quietly between her teeth.

 

Yunho ignores her.

 

“I went to audition at S.M. entertainment, and I’ve been accepted as a trainee.” Yunho doesn’t look up from the middle of the table. It’s not that he’s scared, he’s just trying to keep himself calm and balanced.

 

His father puts down his bowl and folds his hands together. “That’s in Seoul.”

 

Yunho nods and resists the urge to toy with his hands and bite his lip. “Yes, sir. I promise I won’t let my grades fall. If they do, you can pull me out right away. I’ll only go to Seoul during the holidays to train. I’ll make my own money, I’ll make it on my own, so _please_ let me at least try.”

 

His father shakes his head and picks his spoon back up. “Don’t expect any help from us.”

 

Yunho grins behind his hand, because that’s the closest he’s going to get to a yes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The weather slips from autumn to winter, and Changmin spends his first December alone.

 

It’s lonelier than he thought it would be.

 

The loneliness he’d felt before that could do nothing to match the sting of the winter wind that kept him up, shivering until two in the morning before he could finally force himself to sleep. The station got colder and colder, and the barrier around his heart froze along with the sidewalks.

 

Changmin had always heard that firsts without something were the hardest, and he really understands it when he spends his first the first Christmas by himself. There’s no presents, no heater, no contact with anyone but himself and the subway walls. He begs for a few coins, and passing strangers seeing a kid so alone on Christmas day shoot him looks of sympathy and he ends up making around fifteen thousand won. He knows he should save the money and buy himself something practical, but he feels so alone and frustrated and so close to tears that he decides to indulge. He finds one of the rare open shops on Christmas day and orders the cheapest hot dish he can find, but it warms him from the inside and makes him feel that much better.

 

Changmin sees Hyunwoo that night at the subway station and he smiles. Hyunwoo is his only real friend in the homeless community that hangs around the station. Most were much older in this area, in their thirties and forties, and Changmin was too intimidated to try strike up conversation with any of them, and none seemed inclined to take them under their wing, either. They were working hard enough to support themselves, they didn’t have room to care about a lost boy with nowhere to go.

 

Hyunwoo is different. He had approached Changmin and they had struck up a conversation just after the boy Changmin had met, Yunho, had left. Hyunwoo is sixteen, four years older than himself, and he’s told Changmin that he’s a schizophrenic and his parents kicked him out of home. Changmin told Hyunwoo that he can relate, because he also was kicked out.

 

He leaves out the reason.

 

They sleep huddled side by side on Christmas night, part because they’re lonely, part because it’s so cold their hands are turning blue. Changmin’s just grateful to have someone next to him for once.

 

They share food, share company, share stories until they’re laughing so hard there are stitches in their sides. Changmin is very fond of the tall boy with black hair chopped messily in chunks like he’d hacked scissors in there without a care. His eyes are wide and bright, and a little wild in the way they dart from spot to spot.

 

 

They spend Changmin’s birthday together, and Hyunwoo gives him a backrub that Changmin will remember for the rest of his life because it was so superb.

 

Hyunwoo leaves when the summer’s nearing, and Changmin never gets to even ask where he’s going before he doesn’t comes back. Changmin fears the worst, but Seoul is a big city and he’s just a boy, so there’s no way for him to know. He spends the night Hyunwoo disappears holding back tears.

 

 

Changmin sees Hyunwoo again at the end of the same summer he left. He looks wilder than before, his eyes darting in all directions, and there’s a burn mark scarred around his neck and his left arm hangs limply at its side. He approaches Changmin, stumbling, and his eyes are wide and scared. He hugs Changmin as soon as he’s close enough, and even though Changmin wants to recoil on instinct, he stays still and lets it happen. Hyunwoo only wraps one arm around, and Changmin tries to peer at the other. It looks like he’s lost function of it.

 

“What happened to your arm?” he asks, still being squeezed tight.

 

Hyunwoo shrinks back and his hand is shaking as he pulls up his sleeve. There’s a jagged scar, wide and spanning from the middle of his elbow to his wrist. Changmin feels sick just looking at it. “Did you know over forty percent of schizophrenics try to kill themselves? They k-kept saying that, that _he_ would save me, Christ would, but I’m still not…” he trails off and stares at something behind Changmin. He shakes his head and tries to smile at Changmin, but it comes out as a grimace.

 

Changmin doesn’t know what else to do but smile back. The burn mark on his throat suddenly makes a lot more sense, now.

 

Hyunwoo screams in his sleep. He screams, and when he wakes up, he screams some more. Eventually, he’s chased out from the subway by the others for distracting their sleep and peace. Changmin follows, because Hyunwoo is all he has at the moment. Hyunwoo was the first person he counted on to be by his side when he needed it—but he realises now it’s a foolish dream to hope Hyunwoo will stay by his side. The older boy needs help, and all Changmin can do is watch as he screams and claws at his skin. He can’t even send him to a hospital, because there’s nothing he can do with an empty wallet. For the first time, he doesn’t just feel sad for being homeless and poor, he feels _resentful._ He hates the fact that everyone else gets to go back home at the end of the day. He hates that people have money to afford things like shelter, food, and treatment.

 

The horrifying fact strikes Changmin that were he ever to get sick, there would be no way to fix it.

 

Changmin’s a lot smaller than Hyunwoo, but some nights he has to use all the energy he has to hold Hyunwoo to the floor so he won’t crack his head on the pavement and die. It’s terrifying, and the more Hyunwoo sinks into his illness, the more he feels alone.

 

Hyunwoo becomes the furthest thing to a constant in his life. He appears and disappears at the click of his fingers. Sometimes he comes back looking fresher and more awake, and other time he can barely walk in a straight line or think to look ahead. Changmin resolves that one day, when he has the power, he’ll make it okay. One day when he has money and a roof like every other person in this damn city, he’ll do everything in his power to help Hyunwoo. Changmin starts out small.

He picks up a job sweeping floors, and when the snow starts falling, he picks up a job in the early hours of the morning, before anyone’s awake, and he throws sand on the snow to stop it from being slippery. It’s horrible, and his coat is so thin that he spends the whole time shivering, lips blue, but he endures. He can’t give Hyunwoo a home with the pathetic amounts of money he earns, but he can feed him. Hyunwoo disappears two weeks into the winter, and Changmin doesn’t know when he’ll come back. He keeps working, keeps it together, because even if he doesn’t have Hyunwoo here to motivate him, he has to live.

 

 

* * *

 

****

Yunho’s knee deep in snow and sweating in his coat despite the freezing weather when he catches a glimpse of a lanky, black haired teen who looks kind of familiar. He narrows his eyes—his eyesight isn’t great but when he wears his glasses to work they just end up getting fogged up snowed on. The figure comes closer and Yunho can see he’s also carrying a pack of sand on his back. He squints twice as hard and gasps when the kid gets closer.

 

He can’t believe his eyes, but right in from of him is Changmin.

 

It’s been a year since he’d last seen the boy, and he almost can’t believe he’s running into him again.

 

“Hey,” Yunho shouts, “Changmin!”

 

The kid whips around, surprised, and his eyes fall on Yunho. His mouth drops open in surprise.

 

“Hey, aren’t you that Gwangju hyung that got mugged?”

 

Well, Yunho thinks there are better ways to be remembered, but. “That’s the one. Yunho, remember?”

 

He nods and actually kind of seems genuinely glad to see him. He waddles in the snow until they’re within reach of each other. Changmin grins.

 

“Come on another trip to Seoul, huh?”

 

The kid’s still rude as ever, but a certain fondness spreads through Yunho’s chest. He doesn’t really know anyone else here, and even though it was a year ago, it’s still nice to see and talk to a familiar face. Seoul is cold and lonely, and it’s not quite that Yunho hates it, he’s just… feeling lost.

 

It doesn’t help that he has nowhere to sleep at the moment and he’s taking refuge under bridges and on park benches. Yunho’s mastered the art of sleeping on park benches and not getting cold. If you twist your legs so and cross your arms, palms underneath your armpits, and then curl into a ball it’s not too difficult to handle.

 

“Yeah. I’m staying here for now. Are you still…?” Yunho’s words die in his lips, because he’s not sure if Changmin will get offended.

 

He doesn’t and just smiles. “Homeless? Yeah.”

 

Yunho smiles, half twisted. It’s not really genuine, more of a parody. “Guess we’re in the same boat then.”

 

Changmin’s head jerks up and his eyebrows furrow together. He looks really fucking sad. “What? What happened?”

 

Yunho blows his fringe out of his face. “Decided to follow my dreams. Dad was all ‘well I’m not going to support you’ and I said ‘that’s fine’. So, here I am.”

“Oh. That really sucks, man.” He sounds really genuine about it, too.

 

Yunho shrugs. “I guess, but it _is_ my choice. I mean it’s not as if anyone’s forcing me to throw sand at snow at four in the morning. I can go home if I want to, but there’s something I want to do.”

 

“Still,” Changmin mumbles, playing with the hem of his beaten up jacket. “Sucks.”

 

Yunho takes a really good look at him. His face is still round as ever, but his scrawny body has filled out a bit. He’s even got a hint of muscles building in his arms. He still looks younger than his actual age, though.

 

“You look… good though. I mean, healthier.”

 

Changmin shrugs. “I’m old enough to work now, so. I can’t exactly afford a roof over my head by shovelling and salting snow, but I have enough to eat.”

 

“That’s good. I’m glad.” Yunho feels this pressure lift from his chest. He hardly even knows the kid, but knowing he’s fairing a bit better than when Yunho last saw him makes him relieved.

 

There’s a bit of an awkward silence where Changmin looks like he wants to say something, and Yunho waits.

 

Changmin apparently finally grows a pair and asks, “So where are you sleeping?”

 

Yunho shrugs. “Wherever is close, I guess. Like, around the Han River, and Cheongdam park.”

 

Changmin bristles and shakes his head. “You shouldn’t sleep around there. It can be dangerous. And it’s freezing. Do you even have anything to sleep in? Look, I can take you to where I sleep. It’s a lot warmer and a hell of a lot safer.”

 

“No, its okay, you don’t have to. I’m taking Hapkido so I can defend myself if I need to.”

 

Changmin rolls his eyes. “How are you going to defend yourself if you’re asleep and alone? Seriously, how have you survived so far?”

 

Yunho colours a bit. Yeah, this is definitely the Changmin he remembers. “Shut up.”

 

“What time do you get off work?”

 

“Um,” Yunho says cocking his head to the side. “At around seven.”

 

“Great. I finish at basically the same time so—you know Cheongdam station?”

 

“Yeah.” It’s not too far from where he works in the early mornings.

 

“After you’ve finished, go there and I’ll meet you at the main entrance. Just wait outside, I might be a bit later, but.”

 

“I don’t have anything else to do for a while,” Yunho says.

 

Changmin adjusts the sack of sand on his back and holds out his hand.

 

A bit startled, Yunho shakes it. Changmin grins wide and says, “nice to meet you again.”

 

“Yeah,” Yunho mumbles, “you too.”

 

Changmin waves and bounces off into the darkness.

 

Yunho’s stomach is doing these funny flips and he feels sick.

 

 

They meet at the station and find a place to sit. Changmin feels Yunho’s eyes on him, and he tries to ignore him but then finally snaps and asks, “what are you looking at?”

 

“Just… why are you being so nice to me? I mean, I’m practically a stranger.”

 

Changmin shrugs, but the truth is he’s a bit lonely.

 

No, that’s a gross understatement. He’s fucking _miserable_ and _isolated._ He’s being living with the company of addicts and Hyunwoo, whom he loves, but he can’t exactly have a decent conversation with the majority of them time. He’s so starved for any sort of normal interaction that he feels like he’s wilting. He’s made acquaintances, sure, but they’ve all either moved away or found jobs and gotten on with their lives. But Changmin is still here, and he’s still got nowhere to go, and no idea where _to_ go from this point onwards.

 

He’s normally never this friendly or helpful, but for some reason Yunho gives him this feeling of comfort. The first time they’d met, Yunho and him had snarled and jabbed at one another, but he didn’t forget about him even after they parted. The memories of lifting the couches in the karaoke rooms and scrabbling for change from under machines are ones he’s strangely fond of. They’d only stayed together for three days, but Changmin still feels warm.

 

“I don’t know.” Changmin lies. “You just seem nice, I guess?”

 

“Wow. I’m shocked.” Yunho does in fact genuinely look surprised. “I kind of thought you hated me.”

 

Changmin throws a punch at Yunho’s leg, and Yunho cries out in surprise. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like you, either. It’s probably just a guilt thing so don’t feel special or anything.”

 

“Aren’t you just a ray of sunshine,” Yunho grumbles, rubbing his leg.

 

Changmin gives him a burst of laughter.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Changmin is woken one night by the sound of scuffling feet and singing.

 

“God,” Changmin whines. “What the hell are you _doing?”_

 

He manages to crack an eye open, and he realises Yunho is singing and dancing. Involuntarily, Changmin lets out a snort of laughter. This makes Yunho pause, and he looks down at Changmin, offended.

 

“No it’s just—“ Changmin bursts into peals of laughter, sleep still clouding his mind.

 

“Am I _that_ bad?” Yunho asks. He looks kind of worried now, and Changmin does feel kind of bad, but he can’t stop himself from laughing.

 

“N-no,” he manages through the bubbles of laughter. “It’s just so weirdto be up at—“ he glances around—“god knows what time in the morning, singing and dancing. The rest of the world’s still asleep, and you—“ Changmin laughs again. He’s not even sure why it’s that funny, but he’s pretty sure it’s got something to do with the small amount of sleep he’s had.

 

After that, Changmin likes to watch Yunho dance. He gives him ‘pointers’ which are more thinly veiled insults, but it’s all good natured and he knows Yunho knows this. He amazed at the way Yunho moves to imaginary beats in his head. While he’s excellent technically, not that Changmin is exactly a dancing critique, but he’s not blind either, Yunho just radiates _life._ Changmin could see from a mile away how happy dancing makes Yunho, and it warms him from the inside out. The winter wind doesn’t feel as cold when Yunho’s around.

 

For the first time in his life, Changmin kind of feels like dancing.

 

“We should see if we can get a music players. Like one of those CD things. People throw them out all the time during garbage collection _,_ so I’m sure if we looked hard enough we could find one. It’s probably hard to dance with no music, right?”

 

Yunho pauses after a spin and grabs his knees, puffing. “It’s kind of weird without it. I can sing it myself and get into the rhythm, but it gets tiring doing both.” Yunho looks at Changmin and then quirks a brow. “Say, Changmin.”

 

“Oh god. What is it?”

 

“You wouldn’t be able to sing for me, would you?”

 

Changmin’s eyes almost bulge out of his skull. “You want me to _sing?”_

 

“Just a few lines. _Pretty_ please? It’ll help me out _soooo_ much!”

 

Yunho starts looking at him with these horrible puppy eyes that kind of slaughter some of the coldness around Changmin’s heart. It’s really unfair.

 

“If I sing for you,” Changmin says, already regretting this decision. “It doesn’t leave this place. And you won’t ever mention it again. _And,_ it’s just a one off thing because I happen to be feeling generous today.”

 

Yunho nods then laughs. “Is it really _that_ bad?”

 

Changmin ignores him and starts clicking his fingers, finding a rhythm then starting to sing a few lines of H.O.T’s We Are the Future. He stops when he realised Yunho isn’t listening and Changmin feels like his whole body is burning red with embarrassment.

 

Yunho’s looking down at him with wide eyes.

 

“What?” Changmin snaps, defensive.

 

“Do you actually have any idea how good you are?”

 

Changmin crosses his arms. “Don’t tease me.”

 

“I’m not!” Yunho exclaims. “I’m serious, you’re actually really, _really_ good. Sing again, sing again!”

 

Changmin stretches out his leg and kicks Yunho’s shin.

 

“Ah! What was that for?!”

 

“Felt like it.”

 

Yunho grumbles and goes back to dancing in the silence.

 

It doesn’t stop him from asking Changmin to sing again the next day. And the day after that. And the one after that…

 

Yunho has so many bruises on his shin’s he’s surprised he can still walk.

 

But finally Changmin cracks and sings for him again. It’s like angels are descending from the heavens, and okay, Yunho thinks he’s being a tad over dramatic, but he really _does_ love Changmin’s voice.

 

Once he finally gets the boy to sing though, he never stops. He turns into a walking jukebox, except instead of feeding the machine money, you give it food and it sings.

 

Yunho’s definitely not complaining.

 

 

Changmin picks at the ground, rolling his bottom lip between his teeth one night. His brow is furrowed and he lets the silence hang between them. Yunho pesters him to just spit it out until Changmin shoots up after a few moments, startling Yunho, and says, “can you teach me how to dance?”

 

Yunho doesn’t _ever_ let him forget he asked, and no matter how much Changmin grumbles, he forces him to join anyway.

 

They form an unspoken agreement. When the nights are so cold and the concrete is stealing the heat from their bones, Yunho drags Changmin up and forces him to sing, white wisps of breath making him look like some kind of fairy in the dark.

 

Yunho dances and warms himself, and then pulls a grumbling Changmin up who always complains, ‘no, stop, I don’t like dancing’, and whines about Yunho being too enthusiastic for his own good.

But when they eventually collapse into a heap and their limbs are aching and sore, Yunho can see Changmin smile behind his hand.

 

Yunho raps and practices that, while Changmin usually sings the other parts. He has an attempt at rapping, but it’s so pitiful he gives it up within minutes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Changmin and Yunho spend Christmas together.

 

It’s freezing and Changmin thinks it might snow, which _would_ be nice and romantic, or whatever, if he actually had a home. As it is, he’s just freezing his ass off. He guesses he should be grateful to have Yunho with him, because he’s snuggled up to his side and was shivering so much he practically wrapped around Changmin like an octopus.

 

Even though Changmin hates contact, he deals with it because he’s just as freezing. The tips of his fingers are turning blue.

 

“This is not quite how I envisioned spending Christmas,” Yunho confesses.

 

“What do you usually do on Christmas?”

 

“Hmm,” Yunho closes his eyes, almost able to smell the taste of Christmas at his home. “We light up the fireplace and open presents there. Mum usually makes some kind of hot chocolate for us, and she and dad drink _‘special juice’_. They try to be sneaky about it, but I know they put something ridiculously strong in there. It’s the only way they could be so cheerful while listening to those god awful Christmas songs. Then we all sit down for lunch, and call our family and friends over, and my mums obsessed with turkeys for some reason, so there’s always one of those. Oh, and gingerbread men for desert, too. We used to try make houses, but after this one time… yeah, we just stick to the little things now.”

 

Yunho glances at Changmin and sees that the younger has his eyes closed when he listens. A small smile he thinks Changmin doesn’t even know is there is playing on his lips, and Yunho thinks he must be imagining it.

 

“Hey, Changmin?” Yunho seems uncertain. “How… how long have you been homeless?”

 

Changmin thinks Christmas day is an awfully bad day to discuss this point of topic, but he’s freezing and needs something to keep his mind stimulated. “Since I was twelve. When you met me for the first time, I’d been homeless for about three months.”

 

“I’m not allowed to ask why, am I?”

 

He shakes his head. “No, you’re not. And I’m not even allowed to get angry at you because it’s Christmas.”

 

Yunho smiles and leans impossibly closer.

 

 

They spend Christmas day in a shopping mall, hopping between heaters and trying on all different kinds of ugly clothes and hats.

 

“How do I look?” Changmin says, coming out of the change room in a blue shiny suit with sequins decorating the collar.

 

Yunho bursts out laughing. “Oh my god, you have to take a look at yourself.” He grabs Changmin by the wrist and drags him in front of the mirror, standing behind the younger and pushing him forward. “You’re so _handsome,”_ Yunho teases.

 

Changmin guffaws and does a little spin.

 

“Wait, wait,” Yunho says, skipping away and scanning through the rack of hats. He picks up a hideously purple one with a feather sticking out the side and walks back to Changmin, trying to keep his laughter in so hard that he ends up wobbling a bit.

 

The shopkeeper is glaring at him with her beady little eyes, but Yunho decides that it’s Christmas so it doesn’t matter anyway.

 

She’s obviously just missing the Christmas cheer.

 

Yunho shoves the hat on top of Changmin’s head to complete the outfit. “Oh my god. You should model for Vogue.”

 

Changmin pulls a pose that has Yunho on his knees, laughing so hard he starts crying.

 

 

“Wait here,” Changmin tells him with a cheeky smirk, pushing Yunho down on a bench in the middle of the food court.

 

‘Where are you going?’ Yunho wants to ask, but Changmin’s already raced off at dangerous speeds. He sits and twiddles with his fingers, wondering if maybe Changmin’s decided to play some joke on him because it _has_ been almost twenty minutes and he’s still not back. He’s just about to get up and start searching himself when he catches the thirteen year old bouncing back with a big grin on his face and two cups in his hands.

 

“Here,” he says, handing on of the cups to Yunho. “I got you a hot chocolate, I’m sorry I don’t really know what you like.”

 

Yunho’s mouth is already watering. “No. No, I love hot chocolate. Thank you.”

 

Changmin smiles so sweetly Yunho thinks he’s going to explode.

 

Yunho takes a big gulp and it burns his tongue and throat, but he doesn’t really care. It’s the best thing he’s tasted in a long while. Something clicks in his head and he takes the cup away from his lips and eyes it suspiciously. “But you said you didn’t have any money.”

 

Changmin opens his eyes wide and takes a long, deliberate sip.

 

“Did you…” Yunho’s mouth hangs open. “Did you _steal_ these?”

 

Changmin smirks and says, “it’s Christmas.”

 

Yunho can’t find it in himself to argue with that.

 

 

Yunho’s almost bursting with excitement.

 

He can’t wait to give Changmin his Christmas present. It’s not like it was expensive or particularly fancy, but he saved up the tiny amounts of money he could scramble from his part time jobs that he didn’t use on food and necessities.

 

It’s a maroon beanie that’s soft incredibly warm on the inside. Yunho had gone all out and spent a very reasonable amount of money to make sure he could get the best quality he could afford. He wanted it to be something that Changmin could keep him warm for next Winter, and the one after that.

 

Changmin picks up on his excitement and laughs. “What are you all happy about?”

 

“Nothing,” Yunho says too quickly.

 

Changmin gives him an odd look but drops the question.

 

They’re sitting just outside the station’s entrance on a wall, and under the cover of the roof because a light smatter of snow started floating down.

 

Changmin’s got his blanket out of his bag and wrapped around him like a cocoon.

 

Yunho leans forward and tucks it around his neck tighter. Changmin smiles and blushes, burrowing deeper into his burrito of blankets. Yunho laughs and ruffles the younger’s hair.

 

“I kind of—“ Yunho stutters, embarrassed. “Kind of got you something. For Christmas.” He rummages in his bag and pulls out the beanie, wrapped horrifically in some gaudy brown, yellow, and green wrapping paper. Yunho thinks it’s probably one of the ugliest things he’s ever seen, but it was on sale.

 

Changmin looks at him with wide eyes. “But…”

 

“You got me hot chocolate, remember?” Yunho reminds him, practically shoving the packet in his face.

 

He didn’t have any sticky tape, so he just wrapped it around until it stayed.

 

Changmin rips into the paper hungrily and pulls out the maroon beanie. Yunho thinks he can almost see stars in Changmin’s eyes.

 

Changmin doesn’t say thank you, but he pulls the beanie on within a moment and tucks his nose into his blanket.

 

Yunho can still see his smile from a mile away, though.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yunho spends all day at the S.M. building, training, then spends his nights being a waiter at a local restaurant. They give him this lovely clean uniform that he asks them to keep, and they’re even so kind to wash it for him.

 

Changmin spends the early mornings with Yunho throwing sand on the snow, then the day waiting for Yunho to get back so he can go to sleep with an easy mind. During the day, if he’s feeling good enough and it’s not raining nor snowing, he picks up bottles from the streets and collects them in plastic shopping bags. When he’s carrying as much as he feels he can manage, or it’s not too far off from getting dark (and the sun hides behind the horizon early during these cold winter days), he turns the bottles in for small change.

 

They don’t see each other a whole lot except for when they sleep and when they work together, but even when they work, more often than not they have to split into different areas. When they do work together though, Changmin has the time of his life. Amidst the bitching they throw at each other, he finds out that Yunho is actually really quite funny. It’s not in the way he speaks (even though Changmin _does_ find his Gwangju accent pretty hilarious), it’s just _him_ in general that makes him laugh.

 

Yunho is so clumsy Changmin can hardly believe his eyes. He trips of everything and nothing, and his body never seems to co-operate with his mind. Changmin can’t be bothered holding back his laughter to save Yunho’s pride.

 

When he walks, he takes up the same amount of space three people would. He weaves left and right and bumps into people’s shoulders, apologising profusely, then doing it again two minutes later. Changmin thinks the man is truly unique.

 

He really does like spending time with Yunho, although he will never admit it out loud, the man’s company makes him feel warm inside.

 

That’s why, when Yunho tells him he’s going home, he pouts for the rest of the day.

 

 

It’s almost the middle of January when Yunho brings it up.

 

“I’m going home tomorrow,” Yunho says, and Changmin feels his chest split in two.

 

“Oh.” It’s all he can say, and he thinks he might cry if he says anything else.

 

“I’ll be back in June when it’s the holidays again. I promise.”

 

Changmin kind of wants to beg Yunho to bring him with, but it’s too much to ask. Far too much. So he bites his tongue and smiles. “Bring me something nice when you come back here.”

 

“I’ll get you a nice birthday present.”

 

 

Yunho comes back in April when he’s got a week off with a CD player. “You can use it with headphones, _and_ it can play music,” Yunho proudly exclaims.

 

Changmin uses it so much that the brand name printed on scrubs off under his fingers.


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

Yunho has a scar across his neck when he comes back in June.

 

Yunho tells him he had a hormone imbalance, and he had to have surgery on his throat. Changmin’s just glad he’s okay, but then Yunho breaks down crying.

 

“Changmin—Changmin I can’t sing anymore.”

 

Changmin thinks his world starts crumbling around him. He even begin can’t imagine what Yunho’s feeling. He’s never had a dream—his only ambition in life to be off the streets.

 

He cuddles up next to him on the train station floor and holds Yunho until he stops crying. He has no idea what to say, or if he even _should_ say anything.

 

He knows what this dream has meant to Yunho. He’d given up everything, slept in the cold and worked three different jobs at once, skipping all his holidays to train and finally get a contract, but now… now what was Yunho going to do?”

 

Yunho tries to sing, and it comes out hoarse. It’s not _bad,_ but it’s definitely not what it used to be.

 

Yunho comes back from training one night and slips under the blanket next to Changmin. “Changmin,” he whispers. “Changmin, I think I’m going to quit.”

 

Changmin sits up so fast his neck cracks. “You’re _what?”_

 

Yunho curls into a ball. “I can’t do it Changmin. I can’t _sing._ What kind of entertainer can’t sing?”

 

Changmin has no idea what to say.

 

Changmin actually smacks Yunho. “Are you stupid?” he exclaims, frustrated beyond belief. “I can’t believe you’re saying those kinds of things. Listen to me, Jung Yunho. You are the most talented, hard-working, and caring person I have ever met. Ok yeah, I’m not exactly an expert, but your dancing is _beautiful._ And you know I don’t hand out compliments just because. If you could catch my attention, someone who has no interest in dancing, I’m almost certain that everyone else will go crazy over you. And so what if you can’t sing. Look at half the idols out there, they can’t sing for shit but they’ve still had fan girls hanging off their arms.”

 

Yunho laughs a tiny bit, and Changmin pulls him up for a hug. “Don’t ever say you’re quitting. _Ever._ I’ve watched you work too hard to just give it up. If you do, I’ll hunt you down and drag you back to S.M. myself. ”

 

Yunho sniffs and buries his head into the crook of Changmin’s shoulder. With a watery smile he looks up and says, “thank you.”

 

 

 

Yunho finds Changmin three days later, and he’s got this big grin on his face. Changmin thinks it’s the happiest he’s seen him since the throat surgery. He finds himself smiling along, too, without even knowing the reason why.

 

“Changmin. You’re not going to believe this.” He’s laughing and bouncing on the spot.

 

“What? What?” Yunho has Changmin by the shoulders and is forcing him to jump up and down.

 

“I think I might’ve found us somewhere to live!”

 

Changmin’s mouth drops open.

 

“Wait, what?!” Changmin can’t quite believe what he’s hearing.

 

“I know. I _know._ There’s this little room on top of this dance studio I go to, and the rent’s really cheap and I begged them and they said that yeah, we could live there if we wanted, and with both of us working I’m more than sure we can afford it, and, and even though I have to go home you can stay there while I’m away but we’ll have somewhere—oh my _god.”_

 

Changmin looks at Yunho blindly for a second then pulls him into a long hug. “Thank you. _Thank you.”_

 

If he lets a small tear down his cheek, well, neither of them brings it up.

 

  

 

The room is small and square. There’s a single bed pushed up against the wall, and there’s not much room for anything else but a shelf besides the bed and a small wooden table for two that looks like it has seen better days. The carpet’s this really ugly brown colour, and the curtains obnoxiously orange, and there’s barely enough room to walk from one end to the other comfortably, but—

 

Changmin thinks it’s more than perfect.

 

“There’s only one bed. We can either share, or I can sleep on the floor if you’d like,” Yunho offers, pointing at the ratty bed that Changmin’s almost certain is going to squeak horribly.

 

“We’ve been sleeping together for so long,” Changmin shrugs. “We can share.”

 

Yunho coughs and nods. “Yeah. Um. The bathrooms are public, and they’re on the first floor, so. There are showers and toilets and stuff. Uh, there’s a mini fridge in the lobby, but if you put anything in there you’re going to have to be prepared to lose it. Most people don’t really live here long term, so it’s more of a place to sleep than anything, but I hope it’s okay.”

 

Changmin drops his bag on the bed, and he’s right, it _does_ squeak. “It’s great. It really is.” He scratches his nose, embarrassed, but turns to give Yunho a smile.

 

Yunho smiles all teeth and then lets out a small laugh. “Did you know, your eyes do this _thing_ when you smile.”

 

Changmin cocks his head to the side and lifts a hand to his face self-consciously. “What thing?”

 

“Your eyes get all, mismatched.”

 

“Mismatched?”

 

Yunho nods and tries imitating the smile. “Your right eye gets like way more squinted then the left.

 

“It does not,” Changmin responds childishly.

 

Yunho’s laughing and coming closer, and he ruffles Changmin’s hair. Changmin ducks and grumbles, fluffing his hair back into place.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s kind of cute.”

 

Changmin does his very best to smile wide for the rest of the day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It’s a turbulent time between them. Yunho keeps being put in groups and taken out, and each week there’s a new line up, then someone leaves and he’s left in the dust again. Changmin has to sit through the nights awkwardly and listen to Yunho grumble that he’s never going to debut at this rate, and that if the other’s weren’t committed in the first place, then why did they even join the damned company? Changmin grunts along as he listens, but it’s enough for Yunho who just likes to vent, not exactly expecting any advice from the younger boy.

 

They don’t fight, but they do sometimes get pissed at each other and throw snide comments here and there. They’re always forgiven in moments, though.

 

 

 

They’re watching this sappy love story on the T.V downstairs that’s supposed to be for dance practice videos only, but they both take full advantage of anyway, and Changmin’s just about to fall asleep. Yunho, pushed up next to him, has a pillow in his lap and his bottom lip tucked between his teeth. Changmin stares at his lip then laughs when it wobbles at a sad scene.

 

“You’re pathetic, hyung,” he teases good heartedly.

 

Yunho smacks him with his pillow once before cuddling it twice as hard. “It’s just—it’s just _sad._ I mean, it’s all over some stupid misunderstanding, and if they could just apologise to each other and admit they were wrong for being jealous, don’t they realize they would be so much happier?”

 

“It’s a _drama,_ hyung. They have to fight. It’s in the rule book or something.”

 

Yunho watches with wide eyes when the two main leads finally start to make up. The male lead had acted out of jealousy and been cold to his girlfriend, and then after a lot of drinking and moping to himself (which Changmin thinks is absolutely ridiculous but Yunho finds, god forbid, _endearing),_ he decides to apologise to his girlfriend. He goes up to her and says, ‘slap me. I deserve it’. The girl holds her arm up and looks ready to hit him, and she tells the male lead to close his eyes. He does, then instead of hitting him, she closes in for a kiss.

 

Changmin is rolling his eyes so far into the back of his head he’s afraid they might disappear.

 

Yunho lets out a long, dreamy sigh. “I want my first kiss to be like that. It’s just so romantic!”

 

Changmin gives him a blank look. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Honestly, Jung Yunho, you are _such_ a sap. I can’t even believe I’m friends with someone like ghjkfkgkjh--!” Yunho shoves his hand over Changmin’s face and then proceeds to sit atop him and pin him to the couch.

 

“Shh, it’s the best bit!”

 

Changmin ends up spending the rest of the shitty movie squished into the couch and struggling to breathe.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“But hyung,” Changmin whines. “I don’t _want_ to go.”

 

Changmin’s being forced by Yunho to go to his training room in S.M. Entertainment. Changmin doesn’t want to go, at _all,_ but Yunho was like ‘It’ll be fun!’ and, ‘the food is nice!’. Changmin couldn’t care less if they decorated their jajangmyeon with gold flakes, but Yunho was so insistent that he at least take a look, so Changmin crumbled and agreed. He knew instantly it was a mistake, because as soon as they’d set foot on their way there, Yunho started being all, ‘oh, but you’re going to have to say hi to Leeteuk. Kangin, too. There’s also this guy named Heechul, and he’s kind of terrifying, but he’s… _sort of_ nice once you get to know him’.

 

Changmin just wants to go back to their studio.

 

“Nonsense. You’ll get to meet all my friends at the company and see where I get to spend all my time.”

 

Changmin huffs and grumbles, stomping his way behind Yunho, being dragged forward by Yunho’s grip on his wrist. “You _know_ I don’t like meeting new people.”

 

“And _you_ know that’s not a healthy attitude to have.”

 

Changmin tries to yank his hand back, but Yunho’s grip is firm and he doesn’t let him budge. “Just because you’re a social butterfly and can charm everyone around you, doesn’t mean I’m like that. I just don’t like people, hyung. Why is that so hard to understand?”

 

Yunho sighs. “Because you need people. You need friends.”

 

“I have you.”

 

Yunho doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Well. Yes. But... Sometimes you need other people, too. Come on, you can just say hello then leave, I promise. I won’t make you stay, but at least just introduce yourself. I keep telling all my friends about you and they already like you, so. Don’t worry about it so much.”

 

“Oh, don’t worry Changmin, Yunho’s just going to throw you into the lion den.”

 

Yunho tightens his grip. “They’re nice people. And you _have_ to be nice back. Just—I don’t know, just wave and say ‘hi my name’s Changmin and I’m fourteen years old. It’s nice to meet you’ or something like that. If it makes you feel better, I’ll make all the conversation.”

 

Changmin eyes him warily. “You better. And don’t you dare leave me alone. If you do, I won’t let you sleep on the bed for a week. And I won’t cook for you.”

 

“Deal.”

 

“Deal.”

 

The building is rather square and grey, but there’s this massive gold star tacked on the front under a sign saying ‘S.M. ENTERTAINMENT’, like someone realised that it was really ugly and tried to find a quick solution.

 

It didn’t work at all, Changmin thinks.

 

Scattered groups of teenage girls mingle around the entrance, trying to play it cool and look like they’re just hanging around, but it’s so plainly obvious they’re waiting for their favourite idol to arrive. Changmin snorts. The girls eye them up and down as they enter, whispering to each other and pointing. All eyes are on Yunho, as Changmin expects.

 

The guard eyes him up and down and reaches for something under his desk. He almost punches a little sticker onto the front of Changmin’s chest, and Changmin loses his breath for a second. It says ‘GUEST’ in bold letters, and it’s so shiny and ugly that Changmin would rip it off if he didn’t want to get kicked out.

 

On second thought, Changmin thinks it might not be a bad idea…

 

Changmin’s walking with Yunho by his side in the lobby when some tall lady with peaked glasses and a pinched expression catches him by the wrist.

 

Changmin blinks. He doesn’t _think_ he’s done anything wrong. At least not yet. “Um. Yes?”

 

“What’s your name?” she asks, and her voice is hoarse like she’s been smoking one too many cigarettes.

 

“Shim Changmin. I’m fourteen years old,” he tacks on for good measure, because Yunho had said that was a good place to start conversations.

 

Suddenly, she’s got a hold of his wrist and is dragging him towards and elevator and saying all these things about contracts and higher ups and complicated legal words that Changmin has no grasp of. He looks over his shoulder and mouths ‘help’, but Yunho just gives a little shrug and waves.

 

‘I won’t leave you alone’ he’d said. ‘The people are nice’ he’d said.

 

Yunho wasn’t getting any dinner for one—no, _two_ weeks.

 

He could cook for his damned self.

 

Before he can really even comprehend what’s happening, Changmin’s in an office and being given a business card and the scary lady is telling him that he just _has_ to come audition for them some time next week when he’s free, and she’ll show him around the building and set up an appointment for him.

 

It’s all very confusing.

 

Changmin’s not even quite sure he knows what’s just happened.

 

She shoos him back to the lobby, and Yunho’s sitting on a green plastic chair looking kind of put out.

 

“What was _that_ about?” he says, nodding his head at the elevator.

 

Changmin scratches his stomach and scrunches up his face. “Uh. I think they want me to audition as a trainee?”

 

Changmin’s sure Yunho’s jaw is going to hit the floor with how violently it snaps open, and how low it hangs.

 

“They what?!”

 

Changmin shrugs. “I don’t know either, but apparently I have to come back here for an audition or something.”

 

Yunho’s eyes are almost bulging out of his head. “They asked you for a _private audition?_ Just from seeing your face?”

 

Changmin shrugs again. It’s pretty much the only emotion he can think to muster regarding this situation, because he’s still not exactly sure where, why, or what went on.

 

“That’s… well, good for you.” Yunho doesn’t look particularly happy, and Changmin feels guilty without even knowing why.

 

“I’m… going back to the apartment,” Changmin says, scratching his neck.

 

“Yeah. See you when I’m home.”

 

Yunho shuffles off, dragging his feet on the floor, and Changmin feels like the biggest asshole on the planet for reasons he can’t explain.

 

 

 

When Yunho gets home, he doesn’t ignore Changmin, per say, but he doesn’t exactly acknowledge him either. He sort of grunts when he sees the younger and then plops down on the bed, pulling out a novel from under it and facing towards the wall. It’s probably about the biggest brush off Yunho is capable of giving.

 

Changmin feels awful, because he knows it has something to do with him being asked to audition, but he can’t exactly pinpoint what _,_ because it wasn’t like he _asked_ to be auditioned. They just dragged him off against his will and gave him some card.

 

If this is how Yunho’s going to react, Changmin thinks he doesn’t even want to audition in the first place. He thinks, maybe Yunho doesn’t want him invading his place. That was just Yunho’s _thing,_ and maybe he just didn’t want Changmin to walk the same route.

 

It makes him frustrated just thinking about it.

 

He decides he won’tgive up on something just because Yunho’s being a sourpuss about it. No. He _won’t._ Even if he’s not exactly interested in the high life filled with glitter and sparkles, he kind of wants to audition now just to prove a point. Just to rub it in. Because if Yunho’s going to be all childish just because Changmin might be talented, too, then he’ll be childish right back.

 

He cooks himself a simple dinner and wolfs it down. Yunho doesn’t ask for any and instead eats two slices of bread, not even toasted, and hides under the covers, pretending to sleep.

 

Changmin _knows_ he’s pretending, because Yunho snores like a fucking pig.

 

He rolls his eyes and climbs into bed. Yunho is facing away from him, so Changmin does the same.

 

Changmin thinks this might be their first official fight.

 

 

 

It lasts for a week, and reality sets in for Changmin how much he needs Yunho. It scares him in the slightest, because he knows what it’s like to rely on someone then have them leave you. He wants to think that Yunho wouldn’t do that, but he also liked to think his parents wouldn’t have kicked him out and yet, here he is. Changmin is antisocial by nature, and the trait was further exacerbated by the time he spent on the streets, and now he’s antisocial and horribly wary of the people around him. He sends dirty looks to everyone that tries to come near him and succeeds in driving almost everyone away.

 

He feels kind of bad about it, because he’s almost certain they’re just trying to be friendly to a new trainee, but he can’t help but keep his defences up. He needs Yunho to tell him if they’re okay—he needs Yunho to introduce them and break the ice so he can actually feel comfortable around people.

 

The training in itself is hard, and being an outcast in a group of tight knit people, some of whom who have been here for years, makes it all that much harder. He can’t dance for shit, and when the dance instructor scoffs at him, he wishes Yunho was at his side to defend him and take him to the side and show him how it’s meant to be done. Yunho was in a different class, anyway, but the sentiment is there. Changmin wants to go home and ask Yunho to help him figure out the moves, but since they’re not talking, that’s totally out of the equation.

 

But Yunho’s ignoring him, and he doesn’t even fully understand why. He decides that tonight when he gets home and before Yunho rushes off to his waiter job, he’ll confront him and ask what the hell is going on between them.

 

Changmin goes home ahead of Yunho and waits on their bed, nibbling on his already short nails, just kind of staring at the door and mentally preparing himself for the confrontation. Yunho comes back twenty minutes later than him, sweat beading at his forehead, and as soon as he sees Changmin he _yells,_ “CHANGMIN, I’M SO SORRY!”

 

Changmin winces at the volume.

 

Yunho charges up to him like a bull targeting a red flag and yanks him off the bed. He grabs his shoulders and looks into his eyes, and it all feels very dramatic. He can’t even get a word in edgeways before Yunho’s rolling into a spiel about how sorry he is.

 

“Changmin! I’m so, so sorry, it’s just that I was so _frustrated,_ and it wasn’t even at you specifically, it’s just that I’ve waited _so_ long to become a trainee and they just take one look at you and you’re scouted, and I mean, it’s fair enough because just _look_ at you! But I was being so bitter and horrible about it all, and I was so immature to ignore you over something so pretty like being jealous of you over this, and I’m such an idiot and I just hope you can forgive me for being so stupid and jealous and idiotic—I think I’m repeating myself, but just _please_ forgive me!”

 

Changmin blinks a few times, trying to keep up with his rapid speech, and before he can even form a reply and say its fine, Yunho take a step back and drops his arms.

 

“Hit me.”

 

“Um,” Changmin says.

 

“Hit me if it’ll make you feel better. I won’t hold it against you, just—tell me when you’re about to do it.”

 

Changmin is reminded of the movie they watched just a few days ago, very clearly.“Okay, I’m gonna hit you now then.”

 

Yunho closes his eyes so hard they scrunch.

 

Changmin reels his first back and takes a step closer.

 

His heart’s pounding in his chest at a million miles an hour, because he’s not sure, he’s not sure he should do this, but he’s already so close and Yunho’s face is _just there_. Changmin swallows down his nerves and then takes a deep breath.

 

He punches Yunho so hard that the older man stumbles back a few steps. He holds his cheek with both hands and stares at him with wide eyes, looking awfully betrayed. “You—you actually _hit_ me!”

 

Changmin just stares. “But you _told_ me to!”

 

Yunho’s lip wobbles. “I thought you were gonna give me a hug!”

 

Changmin looks from his red knuckles to the bruise forming fast on Yunho’s face and feels a tiny, _tiny_ bit bad about it. “Um, oops?”

 

Yunho looks like he’s either going to laugh or cry, and Changmin breaths a long sigh of relief when he bursts out into laughter. Changmin follows along and Yunho ends up pulling him into a big hug. Changmin stiffens, because he hasn’t been hugged like this in almost a year, but it feels so good that soon he’s melting into it, despite his aversion to being touched.

 

Yunho pulls back and smiles big. “Sorry for being an asshole.”

 

Changmin shrugs. “It’s fine. Go get ready for work. I’ll pack you some dinner.”

 

The smile Yunho shoots him gets etched into his heart for years afterwards.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the crew is formed. fun fact: changmin's character is based on a friend I used to know who was also kicked out, but when he was 14.

 

“YUNHO. HYUNG OH MY GOD, YUNHO! YUNHO, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!”

 

Yunho sits up in the bed, startled. He’s still half awake, but hearing Changmin yell pulls him from the clutches of sleep almost straight away. He’s never heard Changmin yell, so he’s instantly on high alert. His brain quickly flicks through a list of things that could be wrong, and none bode well in his stomach.

 

He rushes to push the covers off and crosses the short distance to the kitchen with wide strides. “What’s going—“

 

“STOP. OH MY GOD, DO NOT MOVE FROM THERE.” Changmin’s perched on the kitchen counter with no shoes on, and Yunho makes a face.

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Yunho, I’m serious, _do not move._ ” Changmin’s eyes are so wide that it kind of scared Yunho a little. He points at a spot on the floor and says, “ _there._ ”

 

Lying on the floor innocently is a small cockroach who’s just minding its own business, occasionally twitching and rubbing it’s feet together. Yunho looks up at Changmin with exasperation.

 

“ _Really?_ You’re screaming because of a tiny bug?”

 

“A disgusting tiny bug!” Changmin yells back. “Kill it. Please. Do whatever you have to do, but get it out of this house.”

 

Yunho finds a shoe and kills it with no fuss. He scoops it into the bin with a tissues and he washes his hands in the sink next to where Changmin is perched.

 

“You have to wash that counter,” Yunho tells him.

 

Changmin looks at him with these sparkly eyes that only last a few seconds before he lets out a loud cough and crawls down from the counter. He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks on the balls of his feet.

 

“Well. It’s gone now. That’s good.”

 

Yunho looks at Changmin. “It’s just a _bug._ Since when were you so scared of insects?”

 

Changmin’s brow twitches. “I’m not scared of _bugs._ And I’m not scared of cockroaches, either. They’re just gross and filthy and look disgusting.”

 

Yunho raises his pointer finger. “Did you know that cockroaches are one of the cleanest insects in the world?”

 

Changmin shoots him a glare and shuffles over to the bed, pulling out his book from under it. “Don’t care. Still gross.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Changmin’s sunken in the bed, watching the T.V out of the corner of his eye. He’s more focusing on Yunho’s reaction, though. They’re watching a talk show, and the hosts brought up the question of homosexuality, and they’re debating whether or not it’s a sing, and whether gays should have the same rights at straights.

 

Yunho’s watching intently, like he always does when a debate comes on, and Changmin coughs when it flicks to an ad break.

 

“Hey, hyung?”

 

Yunho hums and looks at his fingernails, picking out the dirt from underneath them one by one.

  
“What do you think about being gay? Do you think it’s a sin?”

 

Yunho shrugs. “I mean, I don’t have a problemwith gays or anything. It’s not my business to be deciding if they can date each other or not, you know?”

 

Changmin sits up straighter. “Do you think they should get equal rights? Like married couples?”

 

“I mean,” Yunho says, scratching his nose. “It’s not really up to me to decide, is it? I’m a Christian, and God never really said anything against it, besides that one passage that no one really pays attention to, right? Because they _also_ said it’s a sin to wear two different kinds of material, and we’re both doing that right now.”

 

“So you don’t think it’s a sin?”

 

“No, not really. Do you?”

 

Changmin shakes his head quickly. “Not at all.”

 

Yunho leans back and ruffles Changmin’s hair. “That’s very mature of you.”

 

Changmin bites the insides of his cheeks and pinches out a smile. “My parents were really against it, you know? And I just never understood why. It’s just _love,_ but they kept saying that it was dirty and disgusting, all that kind of stuff. They said that those people should stop choosing to be gay.”

 

Yunho frowns and pouts up at Changmin. “I don’t think it’s a choice.”

 

“No,” Changmin says. The inside of his mouth is bleeding. “I don’t think so either.”

 

“I think my parents are okay with it? I don’t really know because we never really talked about it growing up, but I know one of my mum’s good friends has a girlfriend. But I think if Jihye, my sister, said she had a girlfriend or something, I don’t think they would be angry or anything. At least I don’t _think_ so.”

 

Changmin holds in his tears. “That’s good. That’s really good of them.”

 

“It is, isn’t it? Most people aren’t ready to accept them.”

 

Changmin nods. “Yeah. Say, what would you do if like, one of your closest friends or something turned out to be gay?”

 

Yunho squints at him funny.

 

“It’s just, that it happened to someone I know. And all his friends ditched him and his family rejected him and everything.”

 

Yunho’s face crumbles. “God. That sucks. That’s really horrible. Well, I don’t know, say, if _you_ came out to me I’d just be like, ‘oh that’s cool’ and end it there you know? I don’t really think it changes anything to be honest. You’re still the same person, you just like dick. No big deal, right?”

 

Changmin wraps his arms around his legs. “Yeah. No big deal.”

 

Yunho cranes his head back and flashes him a big warm smile that’s got Changmin’s stomach fluttering. He reaches for Changmin’s hand, and he lets him take it with a bit of reluctance. He’s still not happy with being touched, but he likes to make an exception for Yunho.

 

“Still the same person,” he repeats, squeezing his hand.

 

Changmin looks away towards the wall, and he holds his tears in and breathes.

 

He squeezes Yunho’s hand back twice as tight.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The thing is, it isn’t like Changmin doesn’t _want_ to debut. It’s been a year since he’s been training, but it all feels just too soon. Suddenly there are four other boys, including Yunho, all stuck in a room together with their parents and signing official documents and words about lawyers and contracts are being flung around and Changmin is just _confused._

There’s also that awkward moment where he has to explain he _has_ no parents, and the pitying looks he gives surges some kind of emotion in his chest he can’t place, but it hurts and makes him pissed at the same time. Yunho takes his hand and gives it a squeeze, and Changmin relaxes. He’s about to debut, but Yunho’s here with him, and it’s all going to be okay. Changmin isn’t even sure he would’ve taken the deal if Yunho wasn’t in the same group as him.

They introduce themselves to the other new members of their unnamed team.

Jaejoong’s too big eyes on his sharp gaunt face gives Changmin the feeling he would corner him in a dark alley and steal his money for kicks.

 

Yoochun is bright and smiles with his whole face, and handsome in a quiet way. Changmin thinks he will make a mother in law very happy one day.

 

Junsu is pouty and soft. He shows he’s nothing less than sure of himself by the way he stands, chest puffed out and shoulders high.  


Yunho ruffles his hair later when they get home and laughs, whole face lit up like stars.

“Looks like you’re going to end up singing in front of the world, Changmin. What happened to your singing voice never leaving the train station?”

Changmin smiles crookedly. “I know, right?”

They share their first real hug that lasts more than a fleeting second, and Changmin melts.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /forced throwing up and poisoning incident covered in this chapter. if that makes you uncomfortable i'd suggest skipping this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought a lot about writing this chapter, but I thought I really should because I've gone through a similar experience as Yunho, and writing it both helps me get through what happened with me, it also I feel is something that's such a big event that it can't just be skipped over. If it does make you very uncomfortable for whatever reason please message me though, don't be afraid to!

They’ve four months left until their official debut. They’re practiced the song, Hug, millions of times, switching up the dance and getting on each other’s nerves. They move into an apartment provided by free from the company, and as grateful as Changmin and Yunho are, they can’t bring themselves to like it. Being stuck in a small apartment with Super Junior, their managers, and the rest of their members isn’t as fun as it might’ve sounded at first. Changmin’s so glad to have a house to even sleep in, but within the week he’s climbing up the walls from stress. Yunho handles it as Yunho handles everything, but Changmin introverted nature can’t take the constant noise and the lack of alone time.

 

He takes to sitting on the roof at night, the stars his only company. It calms his heart enough to the point where he feels like he can breathe again the rush of company melting away in the darkness.

 

The day before their debut, Changmin sits upon the roof and takes in a deep breathe, but his whole body won’t stop shaking. He feels like he’s about to _die,_ he’s so nervous. He’s never felt this amount of pressure before, because what if he stuffs up? What if he makes a terrible mistake even though he’s practiced the dance and song so many times that his throats almost bled and his heart has died from exhaustion. He can’t help but think it’ll be _him_ that makes the mistake on the night and ruin everyone’s Christmas. The watch on his wrist blinks and tells him that it’s midnight, finally the day of Christmas, but Changmin can’t feel the joy. He only feels alone.

 

Before he can burst out into tears from the pressure of it all, The door behind him swings open and Changmin jumps, thinking it might be a resident of the building, but when he catches sight of Yunho, his lips spread into a smile, but then he quickly goes back to being glum, his brief moment of happiness taken away by the remembrance that he’ll have to stand on stage in only twenty-four hours. Really, Yunho should be sleeping, they both should, but here they are.

 

Yunho sits next to Changmin and hands him a cup of something. Changmin sniffs it and his eyes goes wide. “ _Yunho,_ we’re not supposed to have hot drinks like hot chocolate!” They couldn’t risk their voices being hurt, especially so close to their debut.

 

“That’s why it’s not hot—and kind of gross if I’m going to admit, but I wanted to you know, pay you back for last Christmas when you—yeah.” He rubs his nose and looks really embarrassed, and Changmin can’t help but feeling warm all over.

 

Yunho looks calm as he sips on his drink and Changmin’s heart plummets once again, his emotions going haywire. “How are you handling this so well?” Changmin asks. “I feel like I’m about to collapse, I’m so nervous.”

 

Yunho gives a patient smile. “I’m not handling it, I just _look_ like I am.”

 

“Better than me,” Changmin grumbles, and Yunho laughs.

 

“I’ll let you in on a secret. This morning when I took a shower, I was so nervous my hands were shaking and I couldn’t grab a hold of the soap properly and now I stink.”

 

Changmin winkles his nose and gives Yunho a sour look, but before he can stop himself he’s laughing at Yunho’s troubles. “I hope you don’t stink for the performance. We have to at least make a good first impression, and I’m not having you smell like sweat when _I_ have to sit next to you the whole time.”

 

Yunho ruffles his hair and then grabs Changmin’s head, pulling him closer to his armpit. Changmin bats his away and shrieks, “God, you are so _gross._ ”

 

Yunho laughs and lets him go, his eyes curling like half-moons, and Changmin’s heart calms for the first time since the nerves had kicked in.

 

The go to bed that night together, and when they’re woken up to Jaejoong taking a picture, well, neither of them really mind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m going to die,” Changmin says. “I’m actually going to die. Yunho, please wear something nice to my funeral, I know you don’t like fancy suits but please—“

 

“Changmin,” Yunho sighs, giving him an admonishing look. He takes Changmin by the shoulders and look at him head on. “First of all, no funeral plans, you’re going to be _fine_ out there. I’ve heard you sing a million times and trust me,” he leans in close so his lips are almost touching Changmin’s ear, and Changmin’s body starts freaking out and burning red and he’s not even sure why. “You’re better than the rest of them at singing, anyway.”

 

Changmin stutters when Yunho pulls back and then they’re being called on stage. The whole thing is a series of blurs, and Changmin feels so nervous on stage that he feels like the world is tilting before his eyes. He’s sure he forgets to smile at the right times, and then their first song with BoA is over, and then they’re finally singing Hug, and yes, Yunho lied, because Changmin thinks he really is going to die. When he has to get up from his chair, he wobbles, and his walk is unsteady and the more he thinks about it the more nervous he gets.

 

His voice wobbles and he almost misses a note, then suddenly they’re off stage and everyone’s celebrating and Changmin can’t believe that just happened. His face is blank, but then when he catches Yunho’s smiling face, he slowly turns it into a large grin then he’s being pulled in for a hug by all the members. They shout encouragements to each other and then share worries over what they did wrong, but most of all, they’re in good spirits, and they spend the rest of the night re-watching their performance, whining over mistakes and covering their faces in embarrassment. It’s one of the best nights of Changmin’s life.

 

 

* * *

 

 

People don’t like them. It’s a blow to Yunho he’s not really sure he’s able to take. On one side, people are saying the song is boring, and on the other, the rest are H.O.T fans cursing them out from making H.O.T disband, which couldn’t be further from the truth, but it doesn’t help the sting as Yunho scrolls through the comments. No matter that they’ve sold so many copies of their albums already, Yunho can’t help but focus on the negative comments. He hates that

 

Jaejoong comes in a huff to his room and plants himself on Yunho’s bed, expression sour. Yunho knows that Jaejoong’s been looking up the same things as him. “It’s not _fair,_ ” Jaejoong complains. “It’s not as if it’s our fault H.O.T broke up.”

 

Yunho just shrugs and sighs. “What can we do? They’re going to curse us out until they get over it. It sucks, but…”

 

“Those fuckers have no decency,” Jaejoong spits, and Yunho frowns.

 

“Those ‘fuckers’ could be our future fans. We’ll never get anyone to like us if we’re not at least nice to them.”

 

Jaejoong rolls his eyes and mutters, “Whatever,” and while Yunho is annoyed by the attitude, he knows Jaejoong’s just venting, so he sits there and lets him complain while he scrolls through the computer, each comment hitting like a knife to his chest.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They’re mid practice, getting ready for their third album, when Yunho snatches up Changmin’s water bottle. He drinks from the bottle and freezes when he sees Changmin’s eyes laser into him.

 

“Hyung. Don’t put your lips on it—that’s disgusting.”

 

“Why is it disgusting?” Yunho argues. He knows of Changmin’s preferences, but he can’t bring himself to care at the moment. It’s been a long day, and Yunho’s defences are still down from reading all the horrible comments that people left. Their manager had said they’d done well and sold an amazing amount of copies, but Yunho can’t feel the happiness he should be. It puts him in a foul mood and he can’t help but take it out on Changmin.

 

“ _Because,_ I don’t like your saliva getting all over where I put my lips. It’s dirty.”

  
“You’re calling me _dirty?_ ” Yunho snaps, and Changmin narrows his eyes at him.

 

“Maybe I am. Just take it then. I don’t want it now you’ve put your lips on it.”

 

Yunho’s anger flares and he snips, “fine. Go get yourself a new one, then, and stop being such a brat. I thought people who lived on the streets weren’t supposed to be so prissy.” Yunho regrets it the moment he says it, and Changmin’s face falls. He looks like he might cry and Yunho wants to apologise, but his pride gets in the way, and he ignores the younger boy, drinking very deliberately from the bottle.

 

They’re still fighting when it happens.

 

The variety show is a total flop, and everyone in the studio knows it. The host is smiling so hard to try and brighten to mood that Yunho thinks he’s about to collapse from exhaustion and his lips will fall off. It’s really not funny. The script is bad, the setting is bad, the games are bad (Yunho swears if he has to pick another stupid dare from a hat telling him to make a rabbit pose he’s just going to lie on the floor and give up), and Yunho hates to admit it, but DBSK are bad, too.

 

They’re all so tired from their album preparations that even the lively Junsu that always makes the studio crack up in laughter is slumped in a corner, just focusing on keeping his eyes open. It doesn’t help that neither Yoochun nor Jaejoong could come, and Changmin’s as quiet as a mouse so it’s almost like he’s not ever there, anyway. Yunho does his best to talk for three, but his throat dries up and he’s so exhausted he’s missing all his cues.

 

A collective sigh of relief sounds when the PD calls for a thirty minute break. He’s a bit red in the face and looks like he’s about to give up and go home. The three of them shuffle off on the way to the change room, and a staff member hands Yunho a bottle of juice. Yunho smiles tiredly and forgets to thank her properly, feeling a bit bad about it as he walks off, but he really just needs to sit down and quench his dry throat and get a little sugar in his system. He takes a heavy seat on the couch and the other two flank him. The staff hand the other two their drinks, and Yunho starts gulping his down. It doesn’t taste great, but Yunho’s not in a position to complain right now. At least he has _something._

 

Their manager lets them take a quick nap, and soon they’re all fast asleep on the couch. Yunho hears Yoochun snoring and Changmin breathing deeply just before he lets himself drop off.

 

 

Their manager pokes them up twenty minutes later. Yunho wakes up with a horrible stomach ache. Hot and cold flushes run up and down his body, and he sighs because this is probably the absolute worst time to come down with a fever. He groans and tries to sit up, but doubles over in pain as soon as he tries. He feels two hands on his back, and he wants to say ‘I’m fine’, but he’s in so much pain he can’t open his mouth to speak. Something is stabbing at his stomach, and the hot flushes and concentrated in his chest. He feels dizzy, and he puts his head between his knees, groaning. He hears Yoochun call for their manager and Changmin stays beside him, rubbing his back up and down.

 

Yunho’s hands are shaking. He tries to lift himself up a bit, trying to prove that he’s okay, but when he does he doubles back over and gags twice before vomiting. There are tears in his eyes and one of his contacts drops out, but when he opens them again he can clearly see that he didn’t just vomit _._

He vomits _blood._

He tries to keep himself calm, but his mind is running a mile a minute with all the possibilities of what could be wrong.

 

“Oh god, oh my god, hyung, are you okay? What’s wrong? Where does it hurt?” Changmin’s speaking so fast, and he can barely concentrate as it is. He grabs for Changmin’s hand and the younger boy grips on, still rubbing his back, now in panicked and quick circles. Yunho vomits up the orange juice again, and the blood comes up with it.

 

He can hear the staff in the background rushing and making calls, and their manager finally bursts into the room, gaping at the sight.

 

Yunho just grips Changmin’s hand through it all and keeps his head in his hands, trying to steady himself even to a degree. Everything’s fuzzy and blurry around him, and he’s struggling to stay awake. Changmin keeps him grounded by whispering things in his ear and making him squeeze his hand every now and then to make sure he’s still okay.

 

He’s not sure how it happens, but suddenly he’s being hauled out the back of an ambulance with his manager next to him, saying something about being able to sign on his behalf.

 

He feels sick, awful, and he lifts himself up to throw up over the side of the bed. He’s dizzy and can’t think to apologise, and someone holds his hair away from his face. They wheel him into a room and they keep asking where and if it hurts, and he does his best to try tell them through the pain. They ask if he knows what’s happened and he says no, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t even know why he’s here or what happened or why. He tries to think back through the fuzz in his brain to any symptoms he might have missed—maybe he was sick beforehand and just didn’t know it, and it had somehow escalated to this.

 

An IV is pushed into his arm and they administer something he doesn’t have time to ask what is, and he notices everyone is wearing masks and telling him to count down from ten, backwards.

 

Everything goes dark.

Changmin can’t stop his leg from bouncing. He’s chewing on his nails so much that they start bleeding, and Yoochun has to pry his hands away from his mouth.

 

“He’ll be fine,” Yoochun says.

 

Changmin’s leg bounces harder and faster. “You don’t know that. We don’t even know what’s _wrong._ Knowing Yunho, even if something was wrong he’d just pretend he was fine because of his fucking pride. He wouldn’t let us know even if he was in pain. He’s such an _idiot.”_

 

Yoochun stays quiet then sighs. “He’ll be fine.” It sounds weak even to his own ears. He stands and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I’m going to go see when the others are getting here.”

 

 

The manager and a few others he would probably recognise if he bothered to look hang around the waiting room. Some sit still, others pace, and Changmin just curls into himself in his chair, leg not stopping it’s bouncing. He knows it’s driving people crazy, but he can’t help it. How is he supposed to contain himself if he can’t let out just this little bit of steam?

 

The clock ticks and Changmin’s hands get sweatier as the moments go by. He hasn’t been told anything—none of them have yet, because nobody knows what’s wrong. The anxiety rots him from the inside out and he wants to scream. He wants to bash down the door and scream at the doctors to tell him if Yunho’s okay, if he will be okay, and to just tell him what’s happened.

 

When Junsu arrives he puts his arm around Changmin. Jaejoong fumes in a corner and cries. He keeps talking about how this is making him feel, and Changmin has the urge to hit him. He’s used to Jaejoong being more concerned with the way he’s feeling, how the situation is making him feel, then how the person who’s actually in trouble does, but right now he doesn’t want to hear it. He’s never quite wanted to punch the older male as much as he does right in that moment. He wants to scream in Jaejoong’s face that this isn’t about _him,_ that he should be worrying about how Yunho’s feeling, but he doesn’t even have the energy. And he doesn’t want to open his mouth, because he’s scared that if he yells, he won’t stop. He knows there’s no point in yelling, because it will just makes things worse, but it doesn’t lessen the urge swirling in his gut.

 

A stout doctor with a squished face wobbles out from the room, pushing his round glasses up his nose and asks for their manager. He hops up and follows him out the door into the hallway, and everyone has their eyes trained on the door.

 

Their manager comes back with a grave expression, and Changmin’s stomach sinks to the floor.

 

He stands up before even realising he’s done it, and he asks, “what happened? Is he going to be okay?”

 

Their manager nods. “He’ll be fine. He just needs a few days rest to recover.”

 

He says such comforting words, but his expression is still dark, and Changmin can’t shake the itch that tickles at the back of his shoulders and neck.

 

“I think you boys should come with me.”

 

The four plus their manager shuffle out of the room and find a quiet spot. He tells them Yunho is fine and that he’s awake now and doing a lot better and everything has been checked up, but he’s going to stay the night anyway, and Changmin waits for the catch, because not once has their manager smiled.

 

He rubs his hands over his face and lets out a deep sigh. “Yunho drank something that was laced with superglue. Looking at the situation and who he is, well, it’s a high possibility that someone tried to poison him deliberately.”

 

Changmin feels his ears ring. Yunho’s fine. He’s fine but—someone tried to hurt him. They seriously tried to hurt him so badly that he fucking vomited up blood. Changmin’s world turns through a series of red anger and white shock. He doesn’t feel like he’s breathing properly.

 

“Can I see him?” Changmin grits out.

 

“Not right now,” their manager says, and Changmin wants to argue but he can see their manager is almost as tired as the rest of them are. He drops the subject and holds his tongue.

 

 

Heechul calls Changmin and demands to know what’s going on. He says he’s seen the news that Yunho’s in hospital, but what happened, and why?

 

Changmin tries to keep himself under control and speaks through his tight throat, telling Heechul the details of what happened. It’s quiet for a moment between them before Heechul starts swearing up a storm, saying he’d kill the person who did this to him.

 

 

The girl turns herself in the next day, and Changmin is furious. He doesn’t yell or shout or even say anything that would give it away, but Yunho knows, because when Changmin is mad his eyes seem to burn. He sits by his bedside with his fists clenched so tight he’s marking up his palms with his nails. It’s scary, and Yunho’s just glad that it’s almost never aimed at him.

 

His manager tells him she is an anti-fan who wanted to hurt Yunho because she hated the way he danced and sang. She wanted to watch him hurt because he made her angry. Yunho feels his fingers shake under the cover as he’s told this, but he doesn’t let the fear show on his face. This fan… she is one in a million, but that one in a million seriously tried to _kill_ him.

 

“Hyung, you’ve _got_ to take legal action against her. No matter how I look at it, it’s just not right!”

 

They’ve been arguing for the better half of twenty minutes. He was told by the police that if he wished to press charges, he could do so and gave him time to think about it. Changmin obviously thought he should, but Yunho disagreed and said he didn’t want to.

 

“I just—Changmin, she’s born in in the same year as you. She’s the same age as my little _sister._ I can’t put her behind bars. And yeah, maybe I want to, but I just can’t find it in myself to do it,” he pleads, trying to make Changmin understand why he just _can’t._

“Yeah, and me and Jihye would _never_ poison someone in a million years. Just because she’s younger than you, does it make it okay? Is that what you think? Or are you just trying to make yourself look selfless? Yunho, I just don’t _get_ it.”

Yunho shakes his head. “Changmin, I’m not. I’m not taking this moral high group that you seem to think I am. I’m not letting her go because I want to be the bigger person, or because what she did doesn’t scare me, or that I think it’s okay. But if I… If I know that a girl the same age as my sister has to rot in jail for years, how am I supposed to hold that in my conscience?”

 

Changmin throws his hands in the air. “It’s not like you forced her to poison your drink!” Yunho flinches and Changmin sighs. “She wouldn’t be going to jail _because_ of you, she would be going because she tried to kill someone. How is any of that on _you?”_

 

“Because I get the decision,” Yunho says, running his hands through his hair in exasperation. “Because I’m the one who gets the say in this. I don’t want the responsibility. _I don’t want it._ Maybe she should go to jail—well there’s no maybe about it, but I can’t be the person to decide if she does or not. I won’t.”

 

Changmin groans and puts his head in his hands. “You care too much for your own good.”

 

“I’m just looking out for myself,” Yunho says.

 

Changmin gives a small scoff. “I think we both know that’s not true, hyung.”

 

Yunho can’t say a word back, because Changmin’s always known him best.

 

Yunho gives a small smile. “At least the show won’t air.”

 

Changmin huffs, “ _hyung!” but_ he laughs anyway.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next few weeks after the incident are some of the hardest ones that Yunho has to endure in his life so far. He has to stand on stage just three days later and tell his fans that he loves them and puts on a smile. He does love his fans. He _does._ But when he says the words his throat feels tight and his hands shake in the slightest. He sees more than hears Changmin sigh besides him over the screaming.

 

He does his best to get over it on his own. He puts on his brave face and smiles for everyone, saying that it was a scary incident but he’s fine now. He walks around and never lets the smile leave his face. He talks about it like it’s on the same level as the weather, and he laughs about it too to try and break the tension.

 

He lets his smile fall when he goes to sleep at night.

 

When he eats food and drinks anything, he feels like his throat is closing up. He runs to the mirror every time after he eats and opens his mouth wide, shining his phone’s torch to the back and breaths, making sure it still opens properly. He looks at his watch and counts five minutes before deciding he’s fine, and he walks out with a grin painted on. He feels like a clown. He knows he’s not fine. It’s so obvious to him that he’s struggling with this, but he refuses to acknowledge it because he wants to get better, so he skitters around the issues and tries to live like normal. It works when he’s home. He feels safe when he’s there, but as soon as he walks outside and goes back to work he knows the problem is running deeper than he’d like to think.

 

When he speaks to the people around him, sans his members, he can’t keep eye contact.

 

He loves people, but suddenly he’s afraid. He’s afraid, because he doesn’t know what they’re thinking. He doesn’t know their intentions, and when they give the slightest negative comment or facial expression, Yunho feels himself crumbling. He feels like he’s going insane from the stress and pressure, and he wants to cry. For the first time since his grandfather died, he really, _really_ just wants to cry. But he doesn’t let himself. He holds it in.

 

He first gets an anxiety attack one week after the incident. There’s orange juice in the fridge, bottled like the one he drank that day. He stares at the bottle and feels silly for being so terrified of just a bottle of liquid. It’s stupid, and he hates all the anxiety that’s bubbling in him, so he pulls it out and takes a seat at the kitchen counter. He inspects the lid and hears the safety cap pop off when he opens it. It eases his heart, and he gulps a quarter of it down, forcing it through his throat as he winces. He feels awful for having done it, but he needs to get passed it. He feels okay for the first fifteen seconds, but then he’s twitching his fingers and his breath is speeding up.

 

He feels a tingling down his neck and in his stomach and he’s scared, he’s fucking terrified because this was how it started last time, and there’s no-one home but him. The rest should be back within fifteen minutes or so, but Yunho’s scared that there won’t be enough time, and when his members walk through the door he’s already going to be cold. He pulls out his phone and shoots a text to Changmin, because he doesn’t think he can speak right now because his throat is so tight. ‘Home now please need you.’

 

He stands up and the world tilts on an axis, and he feels like he’s dying. He lowers himself to the floor slowly and places his cheek on the hard tiled floor, trying to stun himself out of it to keep himself awake, but now all he can see is white, and he’s shaking like a leaf and can hardly breathe, and he wonders if this is what death feels like? His ears ring and pop, and he can’t stand even if he wants to. He knows he should get his phone out and call an ambulance, but he can’t find the co-ordination, and he can’t even see. The only thing that keeps him grounded is knowing that he at least got a text out to Changmin. He would take it seriously, especially considering what just happened.

 

Yunho tries to breathe slowly through the tightness in his chest, but it hurts. He still does his best, because he knows he needs to conserve his oxygen if he wants to survive. He feels crushed from every corner, and he’s just about to give up and cry when the whiteness in his vision fades to little dots and circles, and suddenly he can breathe again. Suddenly he can see. He breathes heavily and sits up, completely in a daze.

 

He doesn’t know what the hell just happened, but he feels okay besides the general shakiness.

 

Yunho gets up on shaky legs and shakes his body out. He feels okay, and he has no idea what the hell just happened. He goes to his laptop and opens an episode of the drama he and Changmin watch and waits for the younger to get here.

 

 

Changmin comes home in a rush, and he’s panting.

 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?!”

 

Yunho grins at him sheepishly from the couch. “The new episode of this drama came out and I really wanted to watch it with you.”

 

Changmin gapes at him. “Why didn’t you answer my texts? I texted you like ten times.”

 

He comes to sit beside Yunho on the couch, and Yunho shrugs. “Was busy looking for the episode online.” He pulls the laptop onto his lap and tilts the screen just right.

 

Changmin snuggles closer and Yunho tenses unintentionally. “Are you sure that’s all there is?” he asks suspiciously.

 

Yunho smiles and clicks play. “Certain.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yunho waits for it to get better, but it doesn’t. He’s tired of staying dehydrated during dance practice because he knows he can’t sneak away for too long to give himself five minutes to calm himself down. The members start getting suspicious, and he doesn’t want them to worry, doesn’t want them to know something’s wrong. So he just smiles and waves off any concern.

 

Most people buy it, but then, most people aren’t Changmin.

 

Changmin corners him after practice one afternoon, and Yunho gulps, feeling very boxed in.

 

“Hyung, what aren’t you telling me?”

 

Yunho darts his eyes everywhere but at Changmin, and he’s frustrated because he was fine with looking Changmin in the eye, but he’s feeling worse instead of better with every passing day. He trusts Changmin, he _does,_ with his life in fact, and it hurts him to think he’s responding like this to the person he should care about the most.

 

“I’m not hiding anything from you, Changmin.”

 

Changmin gives him a very petulant expression. “Oh, _really?_ So can you tell me why you haven’t drunk a single drop of water for the last six hours even though we’ve been working ourselves to death.

 

Yunho tries to think of something to say, like, oh, I drank when you weren’t looking, but he can’t force the words out. Truthfully, he’d tired, and his body and head are killing him from the dehydration. He just wants to lie down and rest, not argue with Changmin.

 

“Is this because of the…” he pauses and looks for the right words. “You know, incident.”

 

Yunho tries to stay neutral. “It’s fine.”

 

Changmin half growls in his throat from frustration. “No, hyung, it’s _not._ You can’t just not drink water because you’re scared of what happened. I’m not saying it’s bad to be scared, I’m just saying that you _really, really_ need to drink water. Look,” he grabs Yunho’s arm and drags him until they’re in front of the practice room. Changmin tells him to wait for a moment, and he comes back with a bottle and walks back to their secluded spot.

 

“Look,” he says, and takes a large gulp of the water. “It tastes fine. It _is_ fine. The safety cap was on.”

He hands the bottle to Yunho. “Just take a drink.”

 

Yunho wants to. He really does. But his fear rings louder in his head than the need for water.

 

Changmin stands with his arms crossed and stares. “I’ll wait until you drink it. _All_ of it.”

 

Yunho keeps bringing the bottle almost to his lips, but then flashes of what happened rush through his mind and he’s putting his bottle down.

 

“What’s the time? Exactly.” Changmin checks his phone and tells him it’s two fifteen, which means Yunho has to wait until it’s two twenty until he feels safe to drink it.

 

“Why?” Changmin asks.

 

Yunho stares at the top of the bottle and frowns, gut churning. “I need to wait five minutes. That’s how long I took to feel it last time.”

 

They wait in mostly silence because Yunho’s too strung out to try and speak. He just holds the bottle and stares into the opening, wishing he had some kind of homemade poison tester. It would make the whole thing a lot less painful if he could just _know._ Changmin tells him the five minutes is up, and Yunho takes a long breath.

 

His arms and hands are shaking as he lifts it to his lips, and he almost spills it over the sides. He places his lips over the bottle and tips it upside down in a rush, gulping it down all in one go. He knows its irrational to think that someone’s poisoned this, as Changmin said he felt fine, so he just tries to get it over and done with in one fell swoop so not as to prolong the panic. He drinks the whole thing in under ten seconds and Changmin’s gaping at him.

 

“Um, wow, you must’ve been thirsty.”

 

Yunho would laugh, except he feels like he’s going to pass out again. He knows he’s falling into an anxiety attack, and he crouches down, trying to breathe himself through it. Changmin’s fussing around him and he manages to croak out through his thick throat that he’s having an anxiety attack and he’s fine, and all Changmin can do is pat his back while Yunho toughs it out. Within two minutes, he’s feeling better and he’s able to stand back up.

 

Changmin bites his lip. “So that’s why you can’t? Because you get anxiety?”

 

Yunho smiles wryly. “That would be a mild way of putting it, but yeah basically.”

 

He wipes his lips and Changmin’s just looking at him with those wide eyes of his, looking like he wants to fuss and check his vitals or something to really make sure he’s okay. Yunho just pats his shoulder and says, “let’s get back to practice I’m sure they’re waiting for us.”

 

 

It doesn’t get better, it just gets a whole hell of a lot worse. The more time he spends ignoring it, the more irrational his fear becomes.

 

What if there was a way to get passed the safety cap? What if someone close to him wanted to hurt him so badly that they knew all the little rituals he did before opening his juice and water? What if they wanted to hurt him so badly that they’d figure it out and make Yunho think there was nothing wrong until it was too late? The frustrating part is he _knows_ how silly he’s being about it. Even if someone were to poison him, he’s sure they would pick an easier way then to fix a cap back on, but still.

 

He can’t help the way his heart thuds in his chest and the dizziness in his head every time he sees a bottle of something or sits in a waiting room. When waiting in his waiting room with the other boys before having to go on stage, his heart started pounding and the white spots danced in his vision—not quite as bad as when he drinks something, but still unpleasant enough that he feels the need to escape. He ends up spending the hours he should be sitting in the waiting rooms outside on the stairs. He closes his eyes when he gets his makeup done and tries to pretend he’s anywhere but where he is.

 

He wants to close his eyes and he wants the world around him to disappear. At night’s when he closes his eyes he feels strange in his own body, and he wants to go home even though he’s already there. He feels like he’s sinking, and the pumping in his chest beats faster and faster the more he tries to push it aside. He wants help. He wants Changmin.

 

He wants it to go away. The night’s that Changmin is so exhausted that he collapses into his own bed and ignores Yunho are the ones where he can’t sleep. He feels empty, alone, and scared. The darkness too much, too much like the darkness he felt when he closed his eyes that day. His chest turns to ice from the inside out, and he can’t feel anything else except for the cold fear that shivers through him whenever the thoughts run through his mind.

 

He wants it all to leave him alone. He wants to be fixed, he wants to go back to normal, but the longer he spends dreaming it will end, the further away it seems.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They’re handed snacks at their dance practice. Everyone collapses onto the floor, grabbing their stomachs and whining that they can’t get it open fast enough. Yunho stares at the package of cold pasta and sauce, and he clenches his fist. The food at home, he can deal with that. When he sees everyone else eating the same thing he does, and he waits his five minutes, he feels better. But this food, this is individual, and there’s no way to see if the others are okay after eating it. Changmin sits beside him and munches on his pasta so heartily that Yunho’s surprised he can even fit that much food into his mouth at once. After inhaling almost half in a worrying amount of time, he turns to Yunho’s unopened pasta and frowns.

 

“Are you not going to eat?”

 

Yunho opens the packet at his words and put his fork in. “I am.” He stirs the pasta dispassionately around, wondering if he’ll even be able to handle putting the tiniest amount in his mouth without passing out in front of everyone. He finds it embarrassing, and Changmin sighs at him.

 

Changmin dips his chopsticks into Yunho’s food and takes a generous bite, swallowing it down while staring very deliberately at Yunho. “See? It’s fine. Now eat.”

 

Yunho just looks down at his food, doesn’t even move a muscle.

 

“Do you… do you want me to count five minutes?” Changmin asks, concerned.

 

Yunho nods his head faster and more vigorously than he means to, and he turns a bit red. Changmin tells him when his five minutes are up, and as Yunho takes his first bite, Changmin puts his hand on Yunho’s knee and rubs it in comforting circles. It makes Yunho feel better, because he knows if Changmin is there, than at least he’ll take his safety seriously. He manages to eat the pasta without too many issues, but his head does feel light at funny for another ten minutes after he’s finished. His dancing is a bit sluggish, but he soon picks up and is back to normal.

 

Changmin smiles at him from across the room and he sends a strangled one back.

 

 

 

Yunho holds the bottle of orange juice with shaky hands. He knows that Yoochun and Jaejoong are in the studio room if he needs them, and there’s no lock on their door if he needs them. He puts in his headphones and plays his favourite song, holding the bottle. Once he’s absorbed in the song and his heart has stopped racing quite so fast, he unscrews the bottle of orange juice, listening to the pop of the safety cap, and he downs as much as he can handle in one go. He looks at his watch and sets the bottle down, counting ten seconds, then to twenty, he’s dizzy and his chest feels thigh, thirty, his heart feels like it will explode, forty and his stomach hurts. By fifty, he’s rushing to the bathroom.

 

He doesn’t lock the door, just in case.

 

Yunho bends over the toilet and sticks his finger down his throat and gags. Tears are brimming at his eyes from the effort, but still he can’t throw it up. He gets more panicked and shoves his finger further down his throat, pushing and prodding, but all he coughs up is spit mixed with blood, and Yunho’s panic hits the roof.

 

He grabs for his tooth brush and pulls it in and out the back of his throat until he manages to gag up a bit of food. He gulps down water and tries again, and the vomit slips out easier this time. He feels horrid. Everything hurts. His stomach hurts, his eyes, and his head is throbbing something fierce. He flushes the toilet and lays on the cool tiles until he feels a bit more human.

 

He feels stupid for having done it because now he realises the blood was most likely just from him scratching up the back of his throat. Now he’s forced himself to vomit, damaged and scratched his throat, and pushed his progress back again by letting his panic get the best of him.

 

He goes back to the table and tries to will himself to take another sip, but he fails at even getting the bottle to his lips before he feels like he’s going to die.

 

He feels like such a failure.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

Yunho gets better. Slowly, but surely, things fears that haunt him become background noise. Changmin helps him through every step of the way. It’s the hardest thing he ever has to do, but he pushes through with a determination made of steel. On the bad days, he still curls in on himself and panics, but when he does Changmin’s always right next to him, reminding him that everything’s going to be okay, and that if Yunho truly does need help, it’s not too far away. These days, Yunho passes his bottle to Changmin first. Once he’s seen that Changmin’s taken a sip, he can drink it himself.

 

Yunho still doesn’t know how to handle the people around him. The symptoms are mainly gone, but the fear still strikes real in his heart, and every person he meets looks like a threat. Changmin takes to standing just an inch in front of Yunho, his the back of his shoulder just brushing Yunho’s.

 

Yunho feels… warm these days.

 

They move from their apartment and now live with just the five of them and their manager. They still sleep in the same room, but in comparison to sleeping with over fifteen people, its luxury. They have a full view of the city below them, and on the nights they can’t sleep, the sounds of cars and buses trawling through reach all the way up to them.

 

This is what Changmin hears tonight.

 

It’s three in the morning and Changmin has to be up in three hours, but he can’t get his mind to stop buzzing. He’s spent the whole day sweating his ass off and singing until his face went blue, and he knows he should’ve dropped off like a leaf in fall because of this, but he just _can’t._ He growls in frustration and claws at his pillow, fingers twitching. His mind won’t slow down, and inconsequential thoughts that he really does not have to be thinking at _three in the fucking morning_ won’t stop buzzing in his head.

 

His chest sort of aches in a funny way, too. Even though he’s sleeping in a room with five people, he still feels strangely lonely and in need of comfort. He thinks of Yunho sleeping on his mattress a few meters away, and envisions his dorky, open face as he sleeps. He remembers the way they huddled in the Winter, and although he had bitched about it, he’d secretly enjoyed the company and warmth the older man would bring.

 

Without thinking about it any further, Changmin rolls out of his bed and toes to Yunho’s mattress, crouching himself on the floor before poking his hyung.

 

“Yunho,” he whispers, careful not to wake Jaejoong and invoke his deadly morning wrath. “Yunho, wake up?”

 

Yunho makes a variety of very strange noises in the back of his throat, and he snaps open one eye, staring at Changmin with confusion and frustration. “Wha u wan?”

 

“Can I sleep here, hyung?”

 

Yunho squishes his face into his pillow and groans and sighs and mumbles until he lifts his head. “Why?”

 

Changmin inches closer on his toes. “Can’t sleep. Hyung, _please?”_

 

Yunho makes a vague gesture that Changmin takes as a yes, and he lifts Yunho’s arm and settles with his back against Yunho’s chest, tucking his chin into his own chest. His head’s only touching the edge of the pillow, but he feels worlds for comfortable than he did in his own bed. He smiles and snuggles in, and he’s asleep before he can even count to ten.

 

 

 

Changmin thinks he hears the mumbles of his band members voice through his haze of sleep saying something like ‘too cute’ and ‘we gotta get a picture’ and ‘no Jaejoong, you _cannot_ use this as blackmail’.

 

Something white flashes in his eyes and Changmin groans, scrunching up his face.

_“Oh my god Jaejoong you absolute--I told you to turn off the flash”_

_“I tried! It’s not my fault that this camera’s a piece of shit and won’t listen to me.”_

_“Stop shouting!”_

 

Changmin hears a smacking sound.

 

_“Oh great, look what you’ve done, now they’re waking up.”_

 

Changmin cracks open an eye and sees Heechul, Jaejoong, and Yoochun hovering over him. He groans and frowns at the disturbance.

 

“What the hell are you guys… Heechul? What are you even doing here?”, he mumbles, licking his dry lips and trying to sit up.

 

_Trying,_ because there’s a heavy arm slung over his waist pinning him to the bed. He frowns and racks his brain for a minute, trying to work out what the hell is going on and why he’s in someone’s bed and why his hyung’s are taking photos of him sleeping, then it clicks. He remembers crawling into Yunho’s bed and whining until Yunho lifted his arm and he snuggled in.

 

“Hey!” Changmin shouts, throwing off Yunho’s arm and making him snort in surprise, followed by a series of ‘what’s’ and ‘who’s’ and ‘why’s’.

 

The three startle and jump, all with guilty looks except for Heechul who just looks perfectly smug about it all. He _would._ Changmin takes a long, long breath, and remembers these are his hyung’s, and he’s supposed to love them.

 

His self-control only lasts about eight seconds before he’s leaping out of bed and clawing at the camera and hurling thinly veiled insults in their direction, toeing the line of a respectful asshole.

Changmin never knew he could be quite this catty. Jaejoong and Yoochun end up pinning him to the floor after a scuffle and Heechul bounds away with the camera raised above his head, cackling manically. Changmin grumbles and taps out, determined to erase those pictures at his earliest convenience, because if Heechul had the pictures, he’s almost certain that by this time tomorrow everyone in the S.M. building would have laid eyes on it at least three times.

 

Changmin’s right. By the time he enters S.M, everyone’s giving him sly looks from the corners of their eyes, and Changmin _knows_ they’ve all seen it. Changmin huffs up and goes into Attack Mode, ready to pounce on Heechul at any moment. When he does find Heechul, he threatens him that he’ll cut off his precious hair at night.

 

Heechul deletes the photo in an instant.

 

What Changmin doesn’t know is that Yunho has kept a copy.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yunho’s been thinking on it. And thinking on it. Thinking on it so much that his head hurts and he wants to crawl into a ditch and just forget that he was ever thinking about it in the first place. It hit him one day when he was practicing with the dancers, and suddenly he wasn’t sure if he was all quite that straight. Yunho knows there’s only one person he should ask about this. This was months ago, and Yunho finally has the balls to say something today.

 

They’re sharing a beer on the rooftop when Yunho decides to take the plunge. It’s been plaguing his mind for months, but he hasn’t had the courage to bring it up and try talk it out. It’s still a jumbled mix inside his brain, but he thinks if there’s anyone that will understand, it’s Changmin. Even if it doesn’t turn out to be what he expected, he should at least think about it.

He’s half way through his third beer when he finally plucks up the courage.

 

“Hey, Changmin?”

 

Changmin’s tipping the neck of his third bottle almost vertical, trying to suck out every last drop. He looks disappointed and pouts when he’s gotten all he can from it. He’s too lazy to bother walking back down and dragging up another pack, so he just sets in on the ground. “Yeah?”

 

Yunho licks his lips, and his mouth feels so dry he’s not sure he’ll even be able to get the words out. He takes another sip of the beer to loosen himself up. “Remember ages ago you were telling me about that… _friend_ you had that got kicked out of home for being gay?”

 

Changmin’s holding the railing and leaning back, but when he hears what Yunho has to say he pulls himself straight and frowns. “What about him?” he asks, a bit snappy. Yunho knows he doesn’t like speaking about this.

 

They’d never talked about it, it had always just been something that went unspoken between them. Yunho knows speaking about it is dragging out old wounds, but he needs to know. It’s why he keeps the conversation as far away from Changmin personally as he can, using Changmin’s story of his ‘friend’.

 

“How did your friend know that he liked boys?”

 

Changmin’s staring at him with this calculating look, like he’s piecing together what Yunho’s trying to subtly tell him. “He just knew. He found out when he was ten and all the boys kept wanting to tease the girls and rank the prettiest ones in the class. He realised he didn’t care about the girls, and that he thought the boys were prettier.” He shrugs. “It was just a natural realisation for him.”

 

“I’ve always liked girls though,” Yunho says, now foregoing any pretence in favour of getting to the point. “I _do_ like girls. I’ve liked my crushes and girlfriend, but lately when I’ve looked at guys I just can’t help but be, you know, _interested_.”

 

“So, you’re what, bisexual then?”

 

Yunho grimaces. “I guess. But then, there are times when I don’t find guys attractive at all, or I don’t find girls pretty, you know? It’s never consistent. I keep changing my mind, thinking I’m straight, no, I’m gay, no wait, I’m both. It’s just—it’s messing with my head.”

 

“It wasn’t like my friend—it wasn’t like _I_ figured it out within a day or anything. It took me a long time, and I spent so much time after I realised it trying to figure out the specifics, and I kept thinking that maybe I wasn’t gay, because sometimes I thought girls were pretty even though I didn’t want to date them. It was confusing, and it took me so long to get the point where I could confidently say that this is who I am. It didn’t just happen overnight.”

 

That makes Yunho feel a bit better.

 

“And you said you liked your crushes, right? Were you sexually attracted to them?”

 

“Yeah, I was.”

 

“And are you sexually attracted to any guys?”

 

Yunho scratches his neck. “The thing is—I _think_ I am. But I’ve never actually done anything with a guy. I’ve never even kissed one, so how am I supposed to know if this is just my imagination going wild, or if I really would like it.”

 

“You’ve wanted to date a boy before?” Changmin pries.

 

Yunho goes bright red. “I guess, yeah.”

 

“Oh. Who?”

 

“He was one of our back up dancers in Japan.” He coughs into his hand, feeling awkward. “Jin.”

 

Changmin considers this information for a second and lets out a laugh, dissolving some of the tension hanging in the air. “Well he was pretty hot, even I will admit.”

 

Yunho laughs until it dies out and he’s feeling miserable and lost again. “I just want to know for sure. I’m happy without labels and not knowing for certain where exactly I fit, but I just want to know if I really do like boys that way. I mean I know I crushed on Jin but—it’s still confusing to me because we never went anywhere.”

 

Changmin licks his lips and looks at Yunho. “You want to know for sure? Just to test it out, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Changmin looks around the rooftop and over the balcony edge, scanning their surroundings. The night’s quiet, and it’s almost silent besides the occasional rush of a car from below. Changmin takes Yunho by the hand and starts leading him away from the edge, and then into a little alcove between the stairwell and storage room where they’re mostly blocked. They’re the highest building in the vicinity, so Changmin’s not particularly worried. The three beers he’s had don’t exactly help his judgement.

 

“Hyung, I’m just—I’m going to kiss you, okay?”

 

Yunho blinks several times and balks, “what?!”

 

Changmin goes a bit red, but pushes his blush and embarrassment down. “Look, I know how hard it was for me, and if you just want it to stay between us, this is the best course of action, okay? I don’t want you to get so frustrated that you end up making a move on the wrong person and they cause a mess for you, all right?”

 

Changmin pushes Yunho gently back against the wall.

 

“Changmin, this is… weird.” Yunho has gone bright red, and he’s leaning so far back into the wall that Changmin thinks he’s just about to melt into it.

 

He rolls his eyes and takes a step closer. “You’re the one making it weird, hyung. I’m giving you a hand. Just think of this objectively.”

 

Yunho gulps and closes his eyes. He’s tense, and he feels Changmin’s hand take a hold of his neck to pull him down, and then Changmin’s lips are against his, warm and soft. Yunho’s not an inexperienced kisser, but his heart pounds with the nervousness that comes with one’s first kiss with someone new. He feels clumsy and unsure, and he has no idea where to go from here. Should he deepen the kiss? Should he keep it chaste? Does Changmin mind if he touches him?

 

Changmin makes the decision for him and opens his mouth a little and slotting their lips together.

 

It’s only probably been about fifteen seconds, but Yunho feels like it’s been going forever. His brain is fuzzy and spinning form the thousands of thoughts that shoot by in that second.

 

Changmin swipes his tongue over the bottom of Yunho’s lip, and Yunho parts his mouth for more, allowing Changmin to slip his tongue in. The kiss becomes heated and wet and Yunho thinks he’s really enjoying this more than he should. He places a hand on Changmin’s waist and pulls him closer, trying to kiss him as deeply as possible.

 

Changmin places a hand softly on the front of Yunho’s pants, and Yunho gasps and lets out a small moan into Changmin’s mouth. He breaks the kiss and tucks his chin into his chest, burning red.

 

Changmin stands back and looks abashed. “Sorry.”

 

Yunho waves his hand. “No, it’s fine. I… well I guess I can definitely say I like guys now.”

 

“You’re a good kisser,” Changmin compliments.

 

Yunho bursts out laughing at the absurdness of the situation. Changmin follows shortly after, and soon they’re both in hysterics.

 

“That was weird,” Yunho says, wiping at a stray tear.

 

Changmin grins and says, “yeah, it totally was. So? Am I a good kisser too?”

 

Yunho kind of looks down at the bulge in his pants and says. “Well. My body would like to attest to that.”

 

Changmin looks awfully smug about it all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They’re sitting on the couch and watching some shitty show. Changmin’s cuddling into Yunho’s shoulder, and Yunho’s got his arm around Changmin’s waist. They start talking, and Changmin says something funny that’s got Yunho doubling over and giving him the urge to slap his knee. Yunho leans back up and is just slipping into giggles while he looks at Changmin, and there’s this moment of tension where they just stare at each other and smile, then Changmin leans in a presses a small kiss to Yunho’s mouth.

 

It’s just a peck, but Yunho’s leaning forward to connect their lips again. It’s not even close to lewd or wanting, it’s just sweet and comforting, and Yunho wants to stay in that moment forever. They break apart in far too short of a time for Yunho to be satisfied, and he supposed that maybe they should discuss this whole situation. Ever since they kissed on the rooftop, there has been this weird tension hanging between them—and it’s not awkward, it’s more, they both kind of want to kiss each other again. It’s not because they like each other, but because it’s kind of lonely when they’re the only two that each other can rely on.

 

It’s more convenience then anything, Yunho thinks, because they can’t just go out and pick up some guy to date. They both have the same preferences, they’re best friends, and it just kind of makes sense for them to kiss.

 

“Should we talk about this?” Yunho says.

 

Changmin shakes his head. “I don’t think we have to. It’s just—we’re just doing this because we’re best friends.”

 

“Best friends don’t kiss,” Yunho points out.

 

“We’ve always been a bit special.”

 

“Yeah,” Yunho agrees hesitantly.


End file.
